her body is a difficult sister...

2003-07-30T16:04:00.000-07:00

this blogger thing has been pissing me off long enough, check out my new improved blog on my domain name. bookmark the domain: difficultsister.net and check it often. i will be posting more frequently. xoxo

2003-07-28T23:25:00.000-07:00

i am easily captivated by thrilling novels of international intrigue or crime fighting underdog defeats the bad guy. i try to ignore the underlying conventional morals of good overcoming evil, because really i have enough conventionality in my life. i just read robert ludlum's sigma protocol in well under 48 hours. i like to think, during those moments when my imagination finally ranks the stifling sense of rationality that has been planted in my brain, that i could be a secret agent. that i can crack safe codes and charm the pants off of international male operatives and in the end still "get the girl." lately my rationality is facing a losing battle against my over-active imagination, which is both comforting and slightly startling; overall it's welcome.

a friend has recently been offered a book deal, another recently finished the work necessary in the editting of an anthology, and another friend is working on his second manuscript. i thought all the extra time i have in brampton (being unemployed and all) would actually mean i would write more. but as of yet, no. maybe i'm not disciplined enough. maybe i don't want it. maybe i just don't have it. i'm not even in the realm of hoping for real editors to look at anything like a complete manuscript, but it would be nice if one of my poems or short stories got published somewhere. i refuse to publish things on my website until they've been published elsewhere (i have my silly reasons), and i really want to share more with you all.

xoxo

2003-07-25T21:31:00.000-07:00

today was a ho-hum kind of day, but tomorrow is going to be a day of fun-times with courtney, and we are being met by nadia and dare later on. and who knows who else!? it will be an exciting day, filled with exciting things. and hopefully a little action, it's about time someone cut a girl a break.

i'm amazed everyday by small things that i find poetic and beautiful. it's a little funny, in the kind of way that i think i must be channelling mrs dalloway or something. yet i haven't been able to write anything of substance. maybe tomorrow in toronto will help me with that.

xoxo

2003-07-16T11:28:00.000-07:00

i'm back on the continent.

"You play, you win, you play, you lose. You play."

2003-06-17T16:01:00.000-07:00

i'm feeling very "i want this to be over, right now." but it will be soon, one exam will be done tomorrow. than another on thursday. and i leave the country in FOUR DAYS!! i can't believe this snuck up on me so quickly. wow. i'm trying to squeeze as much into the next little while as i can... alas TWO exams. boo. but on a better note, ITALY HERE I COME!

until next time punks...

it was the echoing voices of the old ones
through thick steel forests and over scorched earth
always just out of reach a murder of crows judged my every footstep.
my bones were frozen
penniless and entirely out of breath, i washed my hands
in the black market dog water trough.
but through it all the real stick in my spokes was the torment of my dreams.
i fought off sleep with both hands and sometimes fire
with little more than a blowgun made from an exhausted pen,
i shot the stars out of the sky.
when each one fell sparkling to the ground, i made wishes that never came true.
apparitions of angels with angry eyes appeared in each new moon
my own ghost began whispering and the trees died if i tried to climb them.
the decision was made for me to begin interpreting real life
just as i would nightmares.
square 1, buck 65

2003-06-14T15:00:00.000-07:00

today was like pride-day, or something

classes ended on thursday, i have an exam on wednesday and one on thursday. i need to get a hair cut. i didn't go to the pride parade today and i didn't even really feel bad about it... i think i'm too young to be as cynical as i am. i decided i rather do homework, and i actually did homework. how boring am i? yeah, pretty boring.

i sat out in the sun today while studying english. i rolled up my t-shirt sleeves so i could get a more even tan. i'm waiting for joseph to call me.

i haven't had much to say lately, but here is some list action instead.

of note, lately:
* gays, lesbians, and other homos are getting married!! even here in kingston!! rock!!
* i'm on "the pill," those who know me know why this is hilarious.
* I LEAVE CANADA 7 DAYS!
* i leave kingston in 6.
* two crushes have solidified without either of them being here, things just clicked in my brain suddenly. (but neither of them live here. FUCK KINGSTON.)
* ITALY HERE I COME.

things i want:
* one of my serious crushes to be reciprocated.
* some make out action (not necessarily with the crush peeps).
* 500 pages of my accounting knowledge to instantly appear in my brain.
* my kingston girls to be here tonight to party it up right.
* to not have this school garbage lying so heavily on my brain so my inspiration can flow freer.
* to have a car so i could visit someone. <3

books i have purchased/received but not yet read (andand will read SOON):
* the hours, michael cunninghan
* cool for you, eileen myles
* monday or tuesday, woolf
* life of pi, yann martel
* such a long journey, rohinton mistry
* another place not here, dionne brand
* the passion, jeanette winterson
* the rest of the short stories in the dubliners.
(i am such a bookworm, i am so happy i will have time to read!)

sorry to those i owe email to, i'm working on it.

2003-06-10T08:20:00.000-07:00

same sex marriage in ontario (and the rest of canada)

another court (ontario court of appeals) has ruled that barring same sex marriages is unconstitutional. the federal government has until june 30 to challenge the ruling and if they don't the current law becomes invalid and it must be re-written! so same-sex marriage isn't legal yet, but this is another step in that direction. to be honest, reading these articles kind of feels like deja-vu, i remember feeling happy and hopeful last year when another ontario court made a similar ruling (right around the time the "coward" letter i wrote got published in the star).

anyways, for those of you interested...
here's an article from the toronto star
and one from 365gay.com

consider writing to your MPs and the Attorney-General and the leader of whatever party you support (if you do):
find your MP using your postal code here
and write to the attorney general

i haven't written a letter yet, but i can send anyone who wants one a sample of what i wrote last year (same time) and/or an updated letter when i get to writing it tonight. right now i have class.

it's very convenient that this is happening in june (aka pride month) keep your eyes out for announcements of actions and letter writing in your area.

2003-05-30T22:20:00.000-07:00

i have been chastized for not updating this three times today alone, but really not much has been going on here. school is keeping me busy. tomorrow i'm going out to the farmers market for the first time this year and then for some coffee. i'll spend the rest of the day working hard on accounting. and start analyzing the annual report. i have a night out planned for saturday (tomorrow... today?). i was overwhelmed by straightness yesterday and kept admiring all the girls who might be dykes... but like "they might be giants" are not real giants... well you get the picture. it was a good night, fun but kind of ho-hum. sunday is dedicating to reading for english and recovering from saturday night.

one of my stories got rejected from blithe house quarterly. i may re-submit the story elsewhere after some more work on it. i'm undecided at this point. although, i was accepted into the writer's pool at technodyke.com. so that's an interesting development, and if i do some good work there (i can, i will). i can confidently ask for a more demanding responsibility there.

so. in other news... wait, there isn't any news. i think courtney is the only person who reads this other than my housemate so i'll give a special shout-out. HELLO COURTNEY! get some random makeout action for me. a'ight?

so, i'm bored. and i know i'm boring you. so to spice things up and make up for my lack of self-reflective posting... i hope you will accept these photos in lieu of me being interesting. i was attempting to model some pussy pucker pot lip balm. yes, model lip balm. it basically consisted of me attempting to pucker up without laughing too hard.

2003-05-28T15:08:00.000-07:00

hm, so i seemed to ruin the template i had here before. really it was just a modified version of one of the other templates on here. but it was just how i wanted it. i don't feel like doing any work on it right now since i'm planning on hosting this on my site soon and using something greymatter instead of blogger. note to those reading this, blogger's service has gotten terrible for free users. and i hear it's not that much better for the paid ones.

in other news, i updated part of my website, so you can check that out if you're bored. check it out here.

that's all. i need to eat. then work on accounting (my professor loves me, which i find hilarious). and then be amazed by elizabeth smart. xo

2003-05-19T23:04:00.000-07:00

so, i haven't had much of substance to say lately. i'm supposed to be working on an accounting summary. i feel like in some ways i'm doing more than my share of the work, but funny, i don't care as long as it gets done and we get a good mark. plus, i figure doing all this work right now maybe entitles to me to some extra slacking off down the road?

i went to visit my parents and my brother this weekend. i didn't see any of my friends, but i didn't mind much because i had my mind set on hanging out with my family and getting a lot of work done. i think i did both adequately well. i won't see them again until the end of june. i actually miss them more now that i'm in third year, than i did when i was in first year. moving home no longer seems like such a terrible thing. it also helps that they have mellowed out over the years.

i started writing a new story the other day, and i have gotten a bright idea for how to fix an existing story. i was really happy to be home, but i was feeling kind of down all weekend. just one of those funks, i think.

more substantial entries coming soon. i hope.

2003-05-10T10:34:00.000-07:00

these streets will always remind me...

i took the long way home from the coffee shop i spent two hours in this morning. solitary with text books, my mind raced as i walked up princess instead of down clergy. i passed the used cd store i spent hours in with a loved girl once. i remembered a day spent exploring the city with laura before i became a student here, i couldn't remember where that basement apartment was but i remember what it looked like. i remember an afternoon spent studying in a park and entire afternoons spent at the goat with some of my best friends.

i bought some pepsi and a lottery ticket, because i'm feeling lucky. i walked south on frontenac instead of north and didn't look behind me once. the park was beautiful and now i wish i had sat there for some time, but i moved through it slowly. watching people play tennis and a child running ahead of his mother; they were all laughing.

i avoided walking down union today. i don't have any fond memories on union, union reminds me of good-byes. it reminds me running home at 5AM down the yellow line, not seeing a single car and feeling washed up. it reminds me of the time i held jen's hand while she sobbed, and i remember the times when i walked home crying without anyone to hold my hand. no, i suppose it's not all bad. learning to hold your head up and forcing yourself to trudge on when all you want to do is sit down on the curb and let it all go. and then coming home to a friend who will wake up in the middle of the night to give you a hug. but still, there is a reason why i like taking the long way home.

as time goes by, my memories taste sweeter. i thought about my first girl-love and turned down her street without even realizing it (i swear) and it wasn't until i passed her colourful porch that i realized it. i saw a barbeque next door that looked nothing like hers, but it reminded me of a summer day spent on her porch before i let things got out of control. i recalled the spot where we used to meet half way, and i remember the day i ran all the way over there and threw my arms around her neck. i remember that day because i was conscious of the fact that it no longer weighed heavily on my mind. yes, i realized that day that i was over it. even if i still loved her.

i have so much love in my heart, and sometimes i don't know what to do with it. but i think i could go on like this forever. i rode my bike in another part town yesterday afternoon and i thought about the more recent fond memories, down william, by a big yellow apartment building, up brock, across earl... reminders of a tough, but very fulfilling year.

there need to be more walks around the neighborhood and more suprise visits and more late night walks spent holding hands (with friends as well as lovers). no matter how bitter the memory seemed at the time, i recognize the love in that hug she gave me on my front porch even though she hurt me. sometimess i can't believe where i am and how things have turned out okay.

2003-05-09T20:53:00.000-07:00

boring

got my marks back, passed microeconomics with a 69% (i am very relieved). 86% in environmental economics and assessment. 76% in american government (boo, i should have done better). and 81% in the united nations and international organization class i took. overall, not too shabby. however, it's still a little disappointing. i need to raise both my politics and economics averages, they aren't that good overall, even though there are some impressive marks peppered through there.

< rant > you all know i'm absolutely brilliant and a hard worker, why oh why do i feel trapped into mere adequacy? < / rant >

the weather is beautiful. i had to leave my house to get blood taken this morning (ew). but! afterwards i rode my bike to the politics department and then rode around the city. i met a friend at the goat and then stopped off at food basics to purchase some gnooki (yum). i got a fair bit of work done before i got sucked into TV for the evening. it was pretty terrible, if i do say so myself. included in my television fanfare was a news program called "confrontation @ concordia" and it made me feel like vomitting. f'real.

this weekend is going to be great fun. i only wish that some of my favourite party-people would be in town... alas, i think adrienne, joe, emily, and i will have to more than make up for their absence. woo.

2003-05-08T21:36:00.000-07:00

this is important:
10 Reasons To Oppose Us Militarization Of Aid And Reconstruction In Iraq

further explanation is available at the above link, but these were three BIG and GOOD reasons.
1) When Aid is linked to military force, food and water are turned into weapons.
4) Militarization of Aid threatens women and their children.
7) The US is "reconstructing" Iraq in ways that will benefit US based corporations and endanger the majority of Iraqis.

please read it.

2003-05-07T20:49:00.000-07:00

where does it begin...

it's 11:30 and i'm trying to think of things to say, nothing is coming. i'm enjoying my english class a lot. the professor managed to grate on me a little bit in my first class, but he's damned funny and that's making up for it. while the professor of my other class has moved beyond grating on my nerves, to pissing me the fuck off, and he's patently NOT funny.

my life is all about school for the next little while. i need to catch up on this first week of readings and get ahead so that next week i can take a break and not stress as much. this weekend/next week i am going to write my first english essay in four years, and i think it's going to be about homoeroticism in henry james' "lessons of the master." yeah, my weekend is pretty much booked with school work... and i hope to add a good helping of bike riding and hanging out with adrienne and joe. woo hoo!

i've decided to cut back drastically on drinking. i haven't been feeling 100% lately and i have been eating healthier, i figure why cancel out my other "good habits" with my bad ones. i'm a fairly good eater anyways but the other day i stocked up on even healthier foods (hummus, whole wheat pitas, apples, bananas, cottage cheese, carrots, spinach, etc.) things that my vegetarian body needs. i don't mean eating less, i mean eating healthier. please note the difference. i managed to lose 5 pounds in a month without trying and while most girls i know would be estactic about it, i think it was actually because i wasn't taking good enough care of myself. i don't have plans to try to put the weight back on, but i will be eating more regularily (no skipping meals) and combine that with more working out. i brought my free weights back to kingston with me (along with my old bike) this is very exciting indeed.

oh, and i got a guestbook. hint.

2003-05-05T13:54:00.000-07:00

memory games and manufactured truths,
the stories i tell are exercises in forgetting
and the punch lines get blurrier each time.

i had my first english class today, the first since high school. we're reading "modern fiction" and my professor reminds me of how an actor on television plays an english professor. he's articulate, has a slight air of pretention, but he has still managed to charm the pants off most of the class. almost everyone in that class will love him, but a few people will absolutely despise him. i like him a lot thus far, i think after a while he will burn on my nerves. especially since i have 12 hours a week with this guy, monday to thursday for 3 hours at a time. and he's making us read an ungodly amount of books and short stories in a mere six weeks. 7 full books and an extra kit i just purchased full of short stories. IN 6 WEEKS! it would be easier if i wasn't also enrolled in a commerce course. thus far THAT course is easy, the first week is all reviewing stuff i did in high school. but i know that it is going to get intense rather fast. a whole accounting textbook (minus a couple chapters) IN 6 WEEKS!

oh, and get this: a silly girl is spreading rumours about the fact that i (or rather "those people from equip", being joe and myself) have physically pushed her around. HELL NO. i haven't even brushed against this girl accidentally in the hallway or on the street. this is strikingly similar to the last time i was accused of being "violent" and "aggressive" and "threatening" by someone i had called out for being homophobic. when you don't have reason or truth on your side, the next best thing is to play on people's stereotypes of queers. except she played this stereotype to my HOUSEMATE without being aware that we lived together.

this makes me glad that i mostly believe in karma.

2003-05-01T13:35:00.000-07:00

happy may day!

here is a brief history of may day, to those of you who were unenlightened (much like myself until i started searching this afternoon), may day did not start as a labour holiday, rather it has its roots in pagan traditions... there are tonnes of links and info on this page, too. i'm right, you do learn something new everyday.

so, i haven't been updating lately. i haven't had much to say. life in brampton is much more jam packed with outings and events, but possibly less interesting. maybe they just seem less interesting when i'm faced with the prospect of sitting in our cold basement writing about them, rather than being upstairs where it is warm talking to my brother, reading good books, or eve *gasp* watching one of the 300+ channels my parents get on TV. (i've actually watched surprisingly little TV... i've even amazed myself).

since i've been here, i've done a lot. i've had dinner with my uncle and his boyfriend, i've visited my nonna, i spent an evening with a very important girl in my history, i bounced around town with a bunch of different friends, i spent some time with sabrina and her boyfriend. i had a crazy evening with my little brother and his friends drinking and dancing at a brampton bar (you should all realize how sketchy these bars occasionally are, but fortunately i think we found the one non-sketchy bar in the city). i even went shopping with my mother! i haven't been reading as much or bicyling as much as was my original plan, but i have managed to do enough of each to keep me sane. and i still have a few more days here. i'm hanging out with michelle tonight, and dancing more on friday evening with my brother and his friends. and hopefully going out to dinner with my fam sometime around there, too. my dad chooses good restaurants and of course, always picks up the tab.

i am in love with our spring weather, it feels like i've been waiting long enough for it. 'till next time...

2003-04-28T22:44:00.000-07:00

i will update more substantially sooner or later. and when i get back to kingston i will make this page and my website look prettier. i'm drinking smirnoff ice and wondering how much money i can possibly make off pysch experiments this summer.

ok, i'm bored and i got this idea from jimmy, and i felt like posting it... i'm not really feeling emo, these are just some of my favourite songs.

1. Are you a boy or girl?:

"As for me, I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone making out."
(dashboard confessional)

2. Describe yourself:

i don't write for your sympathy.
(skarlet o'hara, fill me up)

3. How do some people feel about you?

"It better work out
I hope it works out my way
'Cause it's getting kind of quiet in my city's head
Takes a teen age riot to get me out of bed right now"
(sonic youth, teenage riot)

4. How do you feel about yourself?:

"Maybe I'm just too demanding,
Maybe I'm just like my father too bold.
Maybe you're just like my mother,
She's never satisfied (She's never satisfied)"
(prince, when doves cry)

5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest:

"she says she talks to the spirits
I wonder if she can talk to herself?
If she can bear to hear it?"
(sonic youth, eric's trip)

6. Where would you rather be?:

"Where a small knife tears out those sloppy seams, and the silence knows what you silence means, and your metaphors (as mixed as you can make them) are linked, like days, together. (...) And I love this place; the enormous sky, and the faces, hands that I'm haunted by, so why can't I forgive these buildings, these frameworks labeled "Home"?
(the weakerthans, this is a fire door never leave open)

7. Describe what you want to be:

"I am your pamphleteer."
(the weakerthans, pamphleteer)

8. Describe how you live:

Everything is everything
What is meant to be, will be
After winter, must come spring
Change, it comes eventually.
(lauryn hill, everything is everything)

9. Describe how you love:

"Get clobbered on by courtesy, in love with love, and lousy poetry. And I'm leaning on a broken fence between Past and Present tense. And I'm losing all these stupid games that I swore I'd never play. And it almost feels okay."
(the weakerthans, aside)

"i veered in circles to get off your path,
i tried to warn you,
this would be the kiss that counted."
(catie curtis, the kiss that counted)

10. Share a few words of wisdom:

"I'd like to actively encourage the toughest man to dance as hard as he can to this, my song. And bring your stupidest friends along. We wrote this song because it's fucking boring to keep spelling out the words that you keep ignoring. And your mscho shit won't phase me now. It just makes us laugh, we got your cash, court-jester take a bow. Because did you know that when I was nine, I tried to fuck a friend of mine? HE was 8, then I turned 10. 14 years later it happened again (with another friend). This time me on the receiving end. And all the fists in the world can't save you now. Cuz if you dance to this, then you drink to me and my sexuality. With your hands down my pants by transitive property."
(propagahndi, less talk, more rock)

etc., just because i can:
"Her body is a difficult sister, and she loves her, and hides her somewhere in herself safe from harm. Her night shift is over, she's writing you a postcard to say that she's okay and it's raining there again. My fury's rising faster than bus-fares. Could someone clarify why there's no structured narrative? no neat story-line to explain? Wish on everything. Pray that she remains proud and strange and so hopelessly hopeful."
(the weakerthans, exiles among you)

2003-04-26T14:42:00.000-07:00

it's a beautiful spring day. warm enough to wear just my hoody, and i love it. i slept in very late. and dammit. i like that. i spent the afternoon talking to my mom, visiting sabrina at work, taking a walk around ching park and sitting on a bench to watch some ducks and drink some coke.

i'm home and i stood outside talking to my next door neighbour who i ignore when i come home late at night, because he's always out there drinking with his friends and i'm always alone. and i may be bob's sister, but i'm still alone and it's dark and i'm just the rude little nusiance whose hair keeps getting shorter and who comes home every few months and borrows the car. and i am not scared of my neighbour, not at all. but i'm a little fearful in general when dusk hits. i talked up t's girlfriend and she is one of those girls who is just genuine and nice. it makes me happy to be hanging out with them tonight.

i feel better about life in brampton and about my parents. and i was talking to my mom about maybe moving back home after i graduate just for a few months until i find a job and apartment and find a life. or i can hope that adrienne will need a roommate, because she is scoring a sweet ass apartment and in 12 months her first roommate will be moving out. and i can move into little italy and practice my italian in bakeries and life with someone who i consider one of my best friends.

it's tough, to think back to some of the people i used to spend all my time with. i haven't seen them in ages. chances are i won't see them tonight, they were never the party animal types and even if they were they are either too snobby to go to this bar or too scared because they would surely get their asses kicked just for showing up.

and i wonder what it says about me that i don't care for most of them anymore. was i really only hanging out with them because they were convenient and i was lonely? i don't like to think that's the case. but here i am, 30 pounds lighter, out of the closet, 3 years later, and indepedent, and i'm not scared of going. i have no fears here. and they do. i moved on with my life, and they are still running in the same little circles and dating all of the same people. they would laugh at me if they knew i was goign to jack's with my brother and his friends and that i was going to wear tight jeans and a red tank top that shows off my cleavage.

but i don't have anything to say to them. i want to run into the kids from high school who i was friendly with but never got a chance to know. i want to meet my brother's friends and see how he operates with the little girlies. i am going with some fun kids who i used to chauffer around when i was 16 and who used to ride their bikes over here before they grew up and got jobs and bought cars. these "kids" are going to be making out with cute girls, trying to set me up with boys, and buying me drinks. i'm going to be playing ''spot the lesbian'' and having daydreams about some of the cute girls i left behind in kingston and places unknown. and keeping my fingers crossed that the cute jock lesbian who came out after high school makes an impromptu appearance so i get some eye candy and maybe try to make a move. (brave young angela, trying to mack the d-ladies at straight bars, how predictable!)

2003-04-23T17:47:00.000-07:00

you should note that my mood is now fabulous. i wrote my last exam this afternoon and spent the afternoon hanging out with a couple of my gal pals at the goat. i am waiting for jen to call me so i can go meet her at work. we will then find some place warm and dry to have warm alcoholic beverages. the next week (after thursday) is shaping up to be a lot of fun. partying with adrienne and the toronto crew, going out to a bar with my little brother and his friends, dinner with fabulous gay uncle and his partner, seeing sabrina and dee, michelle, lots of free time to watch movies and read fun books, and of course my mom's fabulous cooking. yeah things are doing pretty good right now. YAY.

more substantial updates later this week, i'm sure.

2003-04-20T21:35:00.000-07:00

it's easter sunday, today. i'm catholic but not religious. i feel like i'm catholic because i'm italian, not because i believe in god or anything. i find it fascinating actually. religion (in general). but i don't feel connected to it. it feels like this thing that other people DO.

i used to like church, f'real. when i was 10 and 11, i went by myself every sunday. i'd sit by myself near the back, or i'd sit with my teacher and her family near the front if she saw me and motioned me over. my mom would drop me off and in the summer i would ride my bike there and lock it to a tree. i'd wear my only pair of black pants and a button down shirt or sweater. my church wasn't a real church, we held mass in the gymnasium of my elementary school. when i was in grade 7 i helped move the alter from the storage space every friday instead of going to last period.

i always wanted to beleive, i think. but i just don't. i just can't. and the institution of the church makes me angry. but my priest (father wayne) was cool. he brushed his hair over his bald spot and he was very kind and always smiled at me even when i asked all the questions of a budding atheist child. so yeah, i don't really believe. or maybe i believe in something different, something a little less tangible but still important? i don't know. i have trouble explaining stuff like this, probably because i'm not even sure what it is i'm trying to explain.

i just realized that my grandfather died 6 months and 10 days ago. i should have called my nonna on the 6 month anniversary but i didn't. bad grand daughter. i was serious about going to light a candle for him, but churches kind of make me feel bad and weird. i really want to be able to go with someone who could understand. like, i think my brother would understand... he would laugh when i made the suggestion but he would get it. and he would feel weird in there too, but then my little brother would drive us to dairy queen and i'd have a skor blizzard and throw away over half of it.

i'm wracking my brain trying to think of someone who would GET IT and who i would feel comfortable doing that with. someone who would laugh with me afterwards without being inappropriate. and someone who would pretend they didn't see me cry but give me a hug anyways. funny, how the only people i can think of are all boys and none of them live here. surprising because i only know a handful of boys in other places. i want my brother to be here right now, gay jokes and all.

2003-04-19T17:00:00.000-07:00

i was in the study room today and i noticed this cute short-haired chick in the bathroom, mostly because i thought i was alone until she came out of the stall. i didn't go back to the study room right away though, and when i got back to the room she had chosen a desk right near mine, but behind me. and i noticed her looking at me a couple of times, like i would look and she would turn away. but i'm ballsy and would just stare at her for a minute or two before looking away.

i was dressed in what i now call my 12 year old boy outfit. baggy olive carpenter pants i stole from a real-life boy, my boy's large t-shirt and my yellow hooded sweatshirt. and my flat (yet shaggy) hair was looking very boyish. and i know she was checking me out because i'm queer. i mean, what i was wearing today doesn't really matter. because as i was told by iman, her housemate said that i am "famous in the gay and lesbian community"... HAH! (my mother would be proud... NO).

so, short-haired chick was wearing a white button up shirt and i just thought: oh my, totally dykealicious. and cute. so i draw queer people to me like i'm a big gay fridge and they're small homosexual magnets. yes, i said little homosexual magnets. i meet people before they come out, i meet people and introduce them around and sometimes i even go on a few dates with them (some of my best stories are drawn from these experiences). but mostly. yes, they're little friendly tourists and i'm the tour guide.

i get emails from queers saying "i don't know any other gay people" and i meet people who say "i just want to check out wally's" and people i meet say "so, how did you KNOW?" these people are drawn to me and i can't turn them away because i can't remember what it feels like to not know another queer. but i can remember how scared i was the first time i went to a queer bar and i remember asking my gay friends "so, uhh... when did you know?"

but sometimes i get sick of being everyone's first token queer friend. i don't think they all used me like a token, but i think a couple of them did. but then again, some of my best friends have been these random "how did you know?"-girls and "i'm just here because the music is good"-boys. and i wouldn't trade them for anything.

oh, and aside from the great friends... it's really nice to have a random make out session with a curious girl... i know she doesn't want to go pack up her u-haul and move in (uh, like "le freak #1"). she just wants to fool around and feel me up. and y'know what? that is perfectly okay with me.

so...

i finished exam #3 today at 5pm. i wrote for the entire 3 hours and filled four exam booklets. that's some kind of record for me because ussually i top out at 2 and a half. i guess i was just more chatty than usual. hah. i felt like i should include a note at the end apologizing for talking so much.

i have plans tonight with my girls. it started out being just janie and i. than i told courtney. and it snowballed from there. nadia, her gf, sally, one of nad's friends, and my boy cameron. like i said, my girls. tonight is all about chilling at the pub and then heading out for a night of dancing.

2003-04-18T08:05:00.000-07:00

my dad called me yesterday and we had a real grown-up conversation, as in: he didn't talk down to me. he was understanding. he has finally begun to respect some of my choices. we talked about what i wanted to do after i graduate (in one year!) and he has some people he wants me to meet. there is a chance i might be able to get a job at a government agency that works to promote art and "new media" and give grants for writers, art, film, and stuff like that. well, at least i'll meet the director and make a contact. there is also the possibility of meeting someone who is involved in political communication and government relations. damn, either of those options would rock.

i am still interested in pursuing graduate school eventually, but that could be on a part time basis in the future or a full time basis after a few years in the real world. i don't want to work for a university or write about politics, i want to learn about it so i can DO IT (for lack of a better term) and i think actually spending some time in the real world to determine what actually happens when people "do politics" would be helpful. i've already worked at that lobbying company, i've worked for government advertisers (the infamous ad agency i sold my soul to for three years) and i've been involved in "political activism"... so, working for a government agency (especially one that deals in ART and MEDIA and GIVING AWAY MONEY) would be so perfect.

it seems so surreal that i might finally be taking the first real and more permanent step outside of the school mentality. i took that time off between high school and university but that was with the knowledge i'd be at queen's sooner rather than later. and when i take the step a year from now i may end up going back, but in reality, if i get some good experience and can get jobs and am really enjoying myself, i might not go back to school full time ever again. and if i do, it will be a totally different experience than this time around anyways.

i'm only a little scared. mostly i'm damned excited at stepping out of the security bubble. i'm excited that in a year i will be no longer be a student. for the first time in forever, i won't have that label to provide me with comfort or security. part of can't wait for this to begin. i am one of those people who used to think it would be cool to be a student forever, and while i want to keep learning forever and i will likely take more classes at a later date i don't want to be "a student" forever. you get the difference? i didn't really get the difference until just recently.

i'm not living in the future by any means, this just all came up yesterday while i was talking to my dad and i wanted to get it all out onto my computer screen.

p.s. in 6 days i'll officially be done my third year of university! boo yah.

2003-04-16T10:17:00.000-07:00

i keep getting kicked out the classrooms i choose to study in by people who claim to have the room reserved, but the last person to kick me out was rather... uh, sketchy about it.

i have three exams to go, but the first one was a huge weight off my shoulders. tomorrow i have a very tough exam to write for microeconomic theory II. yeah, even the name is intimidating and i'm currently failing the class (with like a 48%) but the exam is worth 50% of my final mark and i think i can pull it up to a 60%. at least, i hope so. although a 65% (recognized as a B) would be better.

my life gets pretty boring when it starts revolving around school, as it is now.

this saturday a bunch of my d'dykely friend are meeting me at my favourite pub. the worst of my exams will be over by then. and then wednesday morning i will write my last exam of the term and go shopping for books for the spring term. then i'll pack my suitcase for a trip home, hang out with jen that night and partake in pina coladas. the next day i work 9 hours at the copy shop and then i'll head straight to the bus or train station to get my ass back to the GTA. i will dye my hair on friday and i'll be ready to party on saturday.

i am going out with my brother! to a straight bar! how exciting. i will get to see my little brother drunk and flirting with girls. i will possibly run into people from high school. i will dance with my brother's friends and i'll look stunning doing it.

the rest of the week will be dedicated to seeing my tdot friends, hitting up the dyke bars, spending time with my mom, sitting on our deck that overlooks the "lake", getting re-aquainted with my in-line skates, and reading a lot of books for FUN. i have stuff to go through by jeanette winterson, dionne brand, jamaica kincaid, rohinton mistry, and some short story anthologies. i can't wait for my week of pure relaxation.

i got much love for the world right now, even if differential equations, utility levels, production functions, and my micro textbook are in my near future.

2003-04-13T20:53:00.000-07:00

today i remembered why i love school, in the midst of finals and all the stress. something clicked and then magically i was able to apply some knowledge i learnt last term, and here i am paying too much for my degree. but i still feel good about it. maybe it's a little counter intuitive for a bunch of supposedly intelligent people to pay money for a piece of paper that will tell other people i'm intelligent when that much should be obvious, but i do it anyways. and in the end i feel good about it all.

i'm really looking forward to my summer classes, to taking my first literature course since high school and taking a finance course at the same time. the next few days are going to be stressful, but come saturday afternoon i can take a deep breath, drink some beer with some friends, and then start studying environmental economics on sunday morning.

i'm thinking of going to the catholic church to light a candle for my nonno on saturday after my exam. i don't know why, but i feel like if i'm in a church i can talk to him in a way i can't talk to him here. i might even say a prayer or two, not for myself but for him. sometimes i'm sure i don't believe in this stuff, but since he's died it's all been up in the air. and i'm just not sure anymore...

2003-04-12T20:14:00.000-07:00

the weakerthans do it for me everytime:

I'm standing on this corner.
Can't get their attention.
Facing rush hour faces turned around.
I clutch my stack of paper, press one to a chest,
then watch it swoop and stutter to the ground.
I'm weary with right-angles, abbreviated daylight,
and waiting for a winter to be done.

Why do I still see you in every mirrored window,
in all that I could never overcome?
How I don't know what I should do with my hands when I talk to you.
How you don't know where you should look, so you look at my hands.

exams will be over in less than two weeks. school will be over and i'll get a fresh start. and maybe some perspective on the state of the world and the state of my relationship with myself. i'll start re-learning italian. i'll start looking into the foreign services exam and taking a langauge class in toronto in august. i'll buy a new pair of shoes. i'll stop thinking in finite blocks of time. i'll get some solitude. i will go out to that bar with my brother. i will write a short story about it.

2003-04-11T16:37:00.000-07:00

thoughts on the war

so, the "war with iraq" appears to be over. really, i think that title is misleading. even "war on iraq" isn't accurate.

it was an invasion of another soveriegn nation. the american soldiers within the borders constitute an occupying force.

there is looting on the streets but american forces are not prepared to act as police, too bad they've rendered all civilian police basically useless. the initial looting was of state warehouses, but now people's homes and family businesses are being looted. it is the responsibility of any occupying force to maintain law and order (although i do shudder at the idea of american soldiers acting as police men... and did someone say ILLEGAL WAR... cough). story

when the americans cannot make people stop quickly enough at checkpoints they simply open fire. yesterday 9 people were killed in a van, 2 of them children. story

the usa opening fire on civilivians on WEDNESDAY (hey, i thought the war was over)

good god. and sharon says he wants palestine to heed Iraq example?

more thoughts on the "war" when i'm more coherent. this is degenerating into me just posting links instead of my thoughts anyways.

2003-04-08T22:07:00.000-07:00

i'm in brampton. i have a sore throat. i bought a new watch. i went out for coffee with sabrina. i have been doing a lot of work but it doesn't really seem like enough. no arguments with the parents although my dad has been grumpy. my mom hates the war and she hates CNN. my mom was a disco queen in her day, she totally could have been a hippie. the SARS outbreak in toronto is kind of freaking me out and my cough is making me paranoid that i might have it, but that is pretty damned unlikely.

my brother wants to go out clubbing with me. i find this hilarious. i'm excited to do this, but it will have to wait until my next visit as i have too much work to do this time around. my brother was anti-clubbing until he turned 19. and now he's like an addict and goes at least once a week. i'll be looking forward to the next time i come home (just a little over two weeks from now).

2003-04-07T07:55:00.000-07:00

you folks should really check out the links to the right. there is good music, good reading, and good ideas. not to mention good people

in other news, last night i went to the staff social. i ended up talking with my immeadiate supervisor for a great portion of the night. first, when we were both relatively sober about advertising companies and the like, since he's looking for a job. i told him i might have an in. later on in the night we started talking about the whole queer thing. being the only out lady, but apparently not quite out enough that people just naturally pick up on it, was a weird experience. i'd drop all kinds of hints and people would just keep on smiling and then give me bewildered looks when i told them i was going to wally's. i think i made him feel uncomfortable by the end, which did not start out being my intention. but by the end someone else was calling him a racist, so i went with the bigot. my manager is really neither of those two things, but we were all drunk and it seemed funny at the time. i actually feel kind of bad for him now, because he really is a sweet guy. ooops.

i have to go into work soon, maybe he'll be there and i can apologize a little. he seemed really unhappy by the end of it all. poor white straight men, how dare i make them feel uncomfortable? actually on second thought i think every white straight man should feel uncomfortable at least once in his life. makes them realize how damned uncomfortable it can be for those who feel uncomfortable a greater portion of our lives. no? yes.

2003-04-06T08:33:00.000-07:00

classes are done for another year and i'm left with a pile of readings i never bothered to do. although the pile is slightly smaller than it has been in the past, which i find amusing because this year has been a difficult year for a lot of reasons.

last night i went out to "the bar" and danced it up. i was really tired so i only stayed for a few hours, but it was nice just the same. prior to pre-partying and dancing i stopped by courtney's house and we visited the liquor store. later we hit up dare's and ordered pizza in order to distract her for a few hours from her social theory paper. all in all a good night. i got to spend time with a majority of my friends and i even made a couple new ones (nudge-nudge). very cool.

alas, now my printer is out of ink and i need to print up some stuff. instead of buying new ink (i'll talk my mom into buying it for me) i'm going to shower and get myself to work where there are many printers all at my disposable.

2003-04-05T11:00:00.000-08:00

if your country was being attacked and you felt it was unjust, wouldn't you do what it took to defend yourself?
human bombing kills three soldiers
US soldiers face fierce street battles

i commend them for their bravery, and i abhor the attitude of american citizens who are all about "supporting our troops" and tying yellow ribbons around their car antennas every time a soldier dies. why? because he (sometimes she) is american. when americans die on the street due to hunger or street violence at home, americans just want their bodies cleaned up as soon as possible lest they decrease the value of their homes. the moral of the story? if you're a government sponsored murderer, you get our grief. otherwise, you're shit out of luck.

for those of you who don't know aljazeera (in english) is a good source for news on iraq. much better than CNN and the BBC.

2003-04-02T15:28:00.000-08:00

everyone is talking about revolution...

after finding out yesterday that my parents are anti-war, i've been floating on air. this probably seems rather silly, everyone is anti-war, right? well, i wasn't sure my parents would be and i knew it would upset me if they were pro-war, so i wasn't bringing it up (especially not over the phone). but my dad asked me what i thought about the war (duh) and i braced myself for an arguement. and before i could say anything, he went on about how ridiculous it all is. he doesn't support hussein (of course) but he says he can't support bush because, "angela, they are INVADING another country... how can any free-thinking individual support that?" my arguement goes further than that, but yes. yes, exactly dad.

at work today there was anti-war music and peace songs from the 60s and 70s. these little things are so heartening. it's these things that are keeping me from giving up on the rest of the world.

if you haven't read these things already, please do:
michael moore's letter to ~~president~~ governor bush
read the small print: the usa wants to privatize iraqi war

and most importantly:
no way out by george monboit (there is no happy ending to this war, period.)

sign this petition: we stand for peace and justice

2003-04-01T22:01:00.000-08:00

my parents called me today (instead of me calling them) and the good news is:

MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING ANTI-WAR. take that governor bush.

my parents! my conservative parents. my parents who would probably vote republican (okay, my mom would be a conservative democrat) are fucking anti-war.

i'm looking forward to going home and talking to my mom about this now. she actually used words like propaganda and asked me to print out some critical articles for her since she doesn't use the internet and only wached TV and reads the toronto star. she told me, however, that she is boycotting CNN.

i'm so proud of my mom.

2003-03-31T19:47:00.000-08:00

THIS IS IMPORTANT, READ CAREFULLY.

by daphne gottlieb, march 23, 2003
to be distributed freely

No Poetry After Auschwitz

said Adorno, but there are still

poems, in a mark of arrogance or hope,

maybe both.

This is not a poem

it is a rock

through a window--

it is a smash

and run--

it is a broken capitalism machine

150 miles

from Baghdad.

The television is on at the law firm.

There is no business as usual.

The building is surrounded by fences

and riot cops

who are fighting the crime

of free speech, free assembly.

Yesterday they dragged a woman by her hair.

Today, last night, three days ago,

the Anarchists covered their faces

hid Molotov cocktails in the bushes.

On our way to the protest, my friend tells me,

I am not covering my face.

It seems its one of the fundamental freedoms left.

I have a bandana in my pocket

just in case.

I am trying to find ways

to stem my own anger,

my body a grenade rolling in the street

teeth clenched, handing out flowers

stolen from the lobby of a law firm

to the motorists we delay, thanking them

for their patience

while the U.S. bombs

the fuck out of another country

it has already starved to death.

I am trying to find reasons not

to smash things. Last night an American soldier

threw three grenades into commanders tents.

They say he acted out of resentment.

I understand resentment

I believe in nonviolence

I stick my hands in my pockets

to make sure

I don't pick up a rock

2.

one we are the people

Two A Little Bit Louder Now

Three Who Are Going

FOUR TO STOP THIS WAR

There are protestors in white

armed with saxophones, drums,

dance training

Show me what democracy looks like?

THIS IS WHAT DEMOCRACY

LOOKS LIKE

The protesters in white have forgotten

the difference between protest

and performance,

the difference between comrades

and audience.

They will make the evening news.

3.

In New York

ground zero kids tell me

the cop psyop wagon broadcast:

"The march is now over.

Please leave the area

in an orderly fashion."

New York stood in front of the truck,

got a bullhorn

and started shouting

"THE WAR IS NOW OVER.

PLEASE LEAVE IRAQ

IN AN ORDERLY FASHION"

In Chicago,

they are dancing in the streets

to block traffic.

This resistance

will not be joyless.

Outside the Federal Building,

a mobile generator

on a bike-drawn cart,

huge speakers

blare NOT IN MY NAME

a marching band plays War Pigs

the DJs fist is in the air

a Dixieland band plays

Down by the Riverside

and we dance in the street

4.

Yes, remember

Rachel Corrie

killed by a bulldozer

but she put her own body

on the line

using her own privilege,

her own choice. How many

have died with nothing

but their geography to blame?

How many names will we never

hear because they

had brown skin, not white?

Because of lines they

never drew and could not

get outside of? Because

they

are not

ours?

5.

Whose streets?

OUR STREETS.

Whose streets?

6.

The rich restaurateur who is

a San Francisco Supervisor

says, We will prosecute

protestors to the fullest

extent of the law. Write

the legal aid phone number

on your forearm. Listen

for the order to disperse.

Go limp.

Do not fight the cops.

Watch your back.

7.

It is terrifying how quickly

Free Palestine

becomes

End the Occupation

becomes

Kill the Jews

8.

At work, the secretaries

are watching with shock and awe.

I want to know

if there's a body count.

12, they tell me.

Iraqis? Really?

Oh no, they say, sipping coffee,

eating salads, fries.

That's Americans.

That's the only number

we've heard.

That's the only number.

9.

Whose streets?

OUR STREETS!

Whose streets?

Thursday, we shut down the Federal Building.

We shut down Bechtel. We blitzed Halliburton.

We shut down the Bay Bridge.

I say we because I watched it on TV.

I say we because I was there.

I say we as I write this in sunny San Francisco

on a fully loaded computer

smoking multinational corporate cigarettes,

before I eat breakfast,

after I've slept adequately

in a warm house

full of love.

I am waiting for

text messages from the antiwar bloc

to show up on my cell phone.

10.

Lighting candles, signing petitions

blocking intersections, chanting,

walking until my feet are blistered

shouting until my throat is raw

I'm trying so hard to change things

but I cant even get the blood off my hands.

--Daphne Gottlieb, March 23, 2003

2003-03-31T19:42:00.000-08:00

voice

it sounded over the crowd that night, when you asked "how did you know it was me?" to me it was the way my eyes adjusted to the light. and i remember seeing you walk across the cafe only minutes earlier, not knowing where to order your drink, like me. cafes with table service, heathens like we descend somewhere else. and later on a couch i felt for your arm, touched your hair, and walked the walk. all the while never even considering how one must know how to do the talk. i composed a poem in solidarity, but my language faltered and it came out all wrong. and suddenly it didn't matter how long i walked because i never learnt to do the talk.

2003-03-30T10:14:00.000-08:00

i am here: one year later

i am here. now present in a series of moments, and i no longer compare other girls to her. and i know she is my biggest supporter. and she talks about safety i know she understands me on a level very few do. and we might have been the couple everyone wanted to see happen, but even though i loved her i couldn't make it happen. i can differentiate between being in love and loving, and i'm still loving her. but i'm here now, i'm present in this moment. i'm loving everything and myself most of all. being over her no longer feels like i'm betraying my heart. i am here, present, at the moment.

2003-03-28T21:37:00.000-08:00

i had a funny story i wanted to tell but now i forget. i got a free dinner and dessert from culture shock, along with a very good mixed cd. each song is supposed to represent someone and they chose a sleater-kinney song for me. i have a mixed cd lying around that i made for a girl, i feel weird about giving it to her now due to some unfortunate circumstances. it's not that it's a cutesy "i like you" kind of a cd or anything, just a bunch of really good and really fun songs, it just doesn't feel like the appropriate thing to do anyways.

even though i sometimes got frustrated at culture shock meetings, i really like all those girls. they are all so different and they each bring something very different to the committee and i've gotten something very different out of knowing each of them. it's not often i meet genuinely nice people.

i applied to be a part of the queen's feminist review editoral board next year, part of me thinks i should have just tried for culture shock because i think my heart is more in it. but they say if you don't like something you have to change it, and i think the queen's feminist review can use a new infusion of a different kind of feminist. (a hard ass kind who is not afraid to say when "feminism" is fucked up).

ok, i need to go to sleep. i have a dinner date with ryan tomorrow, you should be jealous. ;)

2003-03-28T13:10:00.000-08:00

things have been insane lately. so many bad things and crazy things are happening to people right in front of me. thus far i've escaped serious drama, i suppose i had my share of badness in first term and drama up until just recently. i have a really big paper to write this weekend and i'm a little nervous about it, but i think it will be okay in the end.

between everything that's happening to the people around me and the fact that there is a fucking WAR going on i feel like i'm in a movie and that none of this is really real. but of course it is really real.

i'm just wishing on stars every night that things get better (for everyone everywhere), and doing what i can in the way of real action to help out.

oh, and culture shock got a great review! check it out. it makes me so happy!

2003-03-27T13:44:00.000-08:00

despite my long and stressful days, the days are getting sweeter and dreamier. the weather is getting sunnier and warmer. bad news is counteracted with good news. people who say insensitive and tactless things are totally beat down and overruled by my friends who remind me that i'm good stuff and hold me up high.

i'm listening to liz phair and thinking about getting down to work. i have a lot to get done this weekend, most notably a paper worth 50% of my final mark. whoops.

despite the lack of employment i'm scheming for a way to visit peterborough to see elliot. that will likely be my only trip within the country aside from going to montreal in august where cam is driving and we are staying at nadia's sister's apartment (minimum money required! ding ding.)

i got me some good friends. xo

2003-03-25T21:03:00.000-08:00

to cheer me up when i'm sad:

sam said: My friend Teri is always speaking highly of her. Angela is mind-blowingly smart and sweet and open and excuse me for wearing my yellow on my sleeve here but I really appreciate her opinions on race discussions and how she is never, ever a translator. That shit's hard to do!

elliot said: Angela is one of the most amazing people I've ever met. She is so damn smart, has a biting sense of humour, is completely trustworthy, has pretty eyes, gives good hugs, likes decent music, and makes me feel good about myself.

elliot also said: Angela motivates me to do something productive with my anger.

sadie said: omg, i'm fuckin swooning all over the place.

jesuscooks said: I think angela is really badass and also cute.

and

elliot also said:
- You are so fucking badass.
- You continually surprise me with your great taste in music.
- You're a calm writer.
- You're good at helping me with homework.
- You're supportive about everything.
- Your sarcasm makes me smile.
- Above all else, you're a good friend and I trust you.

THIS IS WHY: Y'ALL CAN'T HOLD ME DOWN.

2003-03-24T21:32:00.000-08:00

settle

last summer yvette and i were sitting in her air-conditioned apartment as her dog played around my feet. we had just finished watching "ocean's 11" with george clooney and julia roberts. the line that stuck out the most from that film to me was when clooney's character asks robert's character if her new boyfriend made her laugh. he obviously didn't.

i turned to yvette and asked her if she could ever be with someone who didn't make her laugh, and she kind of chortled in my direction and said, "i couldn't even be friends with someone who didn't make me laugh"...

thinking back to that conversation, it hits home. i couldn't date someone who didn't make me laugh, even though i have tried in the past. i need someone who makes me laugh every day. someone who has my sense of humour. and will laugh at themselves and lets me laugh at myself. someone who can laugh at the bad stuff and the good stuff. i need someone who will not just make me chuckle but someone who will make me laugh so hard that i can't breath and spontaneously fall over. very few people manage to do this for me on a regular basis... but i think the ones who do this for me are the friends who just happen to mean the most to me in other ways, too. like jen, adrienne, nadia, joe, some of the toronto gang... yeah, every girl i consider dating, i will carefully consider this requirement: someone who makes me laugh so hard that i nearly pee my pants.

someone promise to hold me to that?

2003-03-23T22:42:00.000-08:00

record
here you'll find a record of maltreatment and injustice. here in my room of half-filled notebooks and in the newspaper clippings i've collected you'll find a narrative of inequity and injustice witnessed and experienced. i want to be a means to an end. i want this to stand as a record, a collective record of wrongdoing and pain. i want this to be a testament to all the wrong before us. there will be a testament to of all the achievement and change. we will record the progress and leave a legacy of change.

2003-03-23T06:54:00.000-08:00

happy birthday to me.

2003-03-22T07:57:00.000-08:00

missing
today everything flowed from one event to the next. just as i walked outside my bus waiting and just as i got on there was an open seat in the sweetspot behind the back door. i saw a familiar face on the bus that took me back to high school. i got to the meeting just in time and printed off documents and submitted an application and even though it was mere minutes before the deadline, everything went smoothly. even when i dropped that bottle of woody's in the liquor store and it shattered on the ground, it was smooth. yeah, today was one of those obscenely normal days that belong on tv. today nothing was missing.

2003-03-20T21:50:00.000-08:00

your glass will never be empty if you keep remembering to fill it up...

there are certain rules i'm establishing for this weekend which will be strictly enforced:
1. NO DRAMA.
2. everyone must be as outrageous as possible, this may include but is not limited to: gratitous toplessness, obscene amounts of making out, hitting on straight girls, hitting on my straight co-workers, telling off my boss, drinking a lot, grinding with the mostly straight boy who will be visiting from toronto.
3. since i'm the birthday girl i get first dibs on all cute girls. (apparently lisa made a new friend who may accompany us, she's one of the cuties i saw at the movie on sunday and wish i knew).
4. no one may discuss politics until they are nice and drunk.

the end.

2003-03-19T22:23:00.000-08:00

war is declared. i don't want to go to sleep, because i don't want to turn on the news and find out what has happened in the several hours i've been asleep. i know people die everyday due to military violence and force, but i think the death toll for this is going to be so huge. and i still can't believe the popular support bush does have from a great many people. holy fucknuts. i still don't believe he is lawfully president.

2003-03-18T17:05:00.000-08:00

last night i was talking to cameron on the phone and i started looking through women-seeking-women personal ads for kingston women. i am not really interested in getting hooked up with someone via the internet. no, i was mostly looking to see if i knew any familiar faces. i wondered if freak #1 had a personal up, i know she has one up somewhere... i just don't know where. i wanted to make out with her last saturday, she is cute and she is a good kisser, even if she totally freaked me out by getting way to serious before we even went on an official date.

this weekend i'm turning 22 and my goal this weekend is simply to be as outrageous as possible. chris is coming from toronto and he will surely get hit on by lots of boys. although i wouldn't mind doing some of my own hitting on him. rather, i think i'm just going to get as drunk as possible. slap as many asses as possible and make out with some cuties.

my lovely housemates are calling me...

2003-03-17T21:33:00.000-08:00

warning... VERY CHEESY

the only thing

the only thing that keeps me real is true genuine love. it's this love that keeps me on top of my game, that keeps me fighting. it's not just the love that i hold in my own heart, but the love i see expressed everyday. it's the love for people in ''lifetime gaurantee'' that warmed my heart and it's the love i see in my housemate's eyes when she tells me she cares that keeps me smiling. it's the possibility i witness in love, the possibility for growth and change. and it's more than the way that i feel, but the way that the world keeps spinning. i do what i do for love. and i think it spins for love.

i feel a special connection to the kind of love that you fight to express (it's the queer in me?) and i feel a special connection to the kind of love you fight to hang onto. it's the way i fight to keep loving my mom everytime she breaks my heart.

the best kind of love is the kind that is returned in large quantities, but you can keep on loving the hater, if it makes your heart stronger. but i love the possibility more than anything else. the possibility that this is not a fickle dream. and that people have the same ability to love each other as much as i do. and that the world has room for endless change.

i breathe for the love i feel for friends who have captured parts of my soul and i keep on keeping on because of the endless possibility in love. the way your heart expands to fit me in and the way my heart doesn't care what my brain says.

it's trite, but it's true... the true revolutionary really is guided by great feelings of love.

2003-03-16T11:05:00.000-08:00

dictate

i remember screaming aloud last night at the club, to a song i didn't think i knew the words to. yelling them along with a friend who had my back and thinking about those people who stole little pieces of my heart. no, not tonight. no one could steal anything. but to those who met my eyes and smiled and held my hand and took care of me, to those people i'll give small pieces.

i'm far too complicated for my own good. i may take a lot of work, but to those who have made the effort, they know i'm worth it.

2003-03-15T07:03:00.000-08:00

last night was wonderful and the good mood has carried over to today. i'm all smiles!

i saw kellie who i hadn't seen in a long time! i learnt that two of my friends had crushes on me when they first met me and now they're dating each other! what's up with that? fucking incredible. i danced the night away to bad techno music and i felt the music. it was one of those nights that remind me of 477 back in the day when it was dark and we danced because we didn't fucking care who was watching. dancing for your own amusement is so much more fun than dancing for other people's amusement.

other highlights:
dare: that film could have used an intermission... i'm part of the ADD generation.
i was offered casual sex! but they weren't serious.
krystle and i cut a rug right near the end, she swung me around and i tried to look like i knew what i was doing.
kelli made a return to kingston and she is hotter than she was before... too bad her and her girl are probably still practically married.
dare touched my bum a lot.
i made some half-hearted attempts to flirt with a very cute friend near the end of the night.

today i have to help run a trans issues workshop, and get a lot of work done. A LOT.

2003-03-13T12:08:00.000-08:00

today was supposed to be better. it was supposed to be a low-key morning and two classes. economics is getting more interesting, since now we're talking about game theory and i like this stuff. instead i took a good second look at the card my nonna sent me and i could only focus on the fact that it said "love nonna" instead of "love nonna and nonno"... today was supposed to be better but it hasn't been so far. on the way to class i just wanted to turn around and go home.

i want a vacation. and a magical transponder unit so i can visit all my far away friends for hugs and loving. because i don't even have to ask and i don't have to explain.

2003-03-12T21:08:00.000-08:00

so, joe sometimes gives me good advice.

be myself. be good old ange. don't beat around the bush, (no pun intended). and be forthright and honest and ask the tough questions.

of course, the pun really was intended and from there the entire conversation just about degenerated. but still. it's good. he's right.

2003-03-11T16:22:00.000-08:00

for the most part sensitivity training on saturday was good... so for the sake of archiving:
* c's favourite line was: "i wish that was true. much to my dismay, there are never queer girls around when you need them." (in response to a comment about dykes liking ani difranco).
* my favourite line (you totally had to be there). when prompted for a stereotype about queers an audience member who was really homo-friendly: "elaborate shoes".... like i said, you totally had to be there.
* me calling an entire room of prospective bosses and gaels homophobic when they laughed at a homophobic joke during our session.
* when i made a comment about how the 5 well-dressed boys in the room probably weren't gay, one jumped to say "yeah, i'm not!" as quickly as possible. i said something along the lines of "oh watch out, no need to protect your heterosexuality quite so ardently. we wouldn't want anyone thinking you could be gay..."
* me: "as far as homophobia goes, the crowning moment was being chased out of a restaurant in orangeville by a man waving a stick and calling us fags." (as the audience looks on horrorfied). "first, couldn't he get his homophobic slurs right? i'm a dyke, not a fag!" (as they begin to laugh). "and second, WHO CHASES SOMEONE WITH A STICK?" (now they're laughing their asses off....)
* oh, i wish i could be a stand-up comedian.

2003-03-11T07:32:00.000-08:00

i lied, i will not be using the article by the republican. as i continued to read the entire thing very closely i realized just how racist and gross it is. i spoke too soon.

my head is foggy. i'm getting sick again. i'm baking a pumpkin pie while i try to write an essay. if i was vacuuming and cleaning my ridiculously dirty room you could call me holly homemaker, but i'm not. so you can't.

i have to work this afternoon and i really don't want to since i'm feeling sick and all. in better news, i had my evaluation last night and they have nothing but good things to say about me. i'm apparently the ideal worker. good for me. just call me princess of the publishing n' copy shop.

2003-03-10T19:09:00.000-08:00

* i think i might be getting sick again. this is a very bad thing. i feel like i've been sick since i got back from school. i have been taking care of myself since i've been healthy and everything.
* i had been planning on taking a walk and dropping something off at kiley's, but i was foiled by the ice and the cold and the idea that i might be getting sick again.
* there was some idiot who is an orientation leader for first years who we are trying to get fired. he plans to suggest aversion therapy as a possible resource for queer people. how in the fuck did he get this job? they don't want to fire him, but baby this is going on the front page of the university newspaper and he will lost this job.
* i'm writing a paper on the erosion of constitutional rights after 9-11. it's tough-going, but would you believe i found a paper written by a republican denouncing the police state. i don't agree with all of his reasoning, but i'm using his damn article anyways.
* my stomach has been in knots lately. i'm thinking too much about a certain situation and i think this is contributing to me getting sick.
* i keep forgetting to call my parents. very bad. i also keep forgetting to send them my T4 slips. oops, very bad for tax season.

2003-03-09T20:39:00.000-08:00

i'm not used to feeling comfortable and while my mind relishes it, it's almost like my body rejects it. its a gut instinct that i've suffered after those who have abused my trust and my body. it isn't often that i feel like damaged goods, but sometimes i guess i do. some people make me want to be better at this. i feel like i'm in this trap where i can't be open and honest because i'll ruin an image i wasn't even bothering to cultivate. i realize that certain things will not come out in the wash and i have to be deliberate. i can't expect anyone to understand what i mean by xyz until i explain, because i am a master of euphemisms even if i can't spell it. i think that by pretending to be fine and not depressed and well-adjusted that i appear more damaged than i would if i was just upfront about what it is that's going on in my head and in my past and that it's not going away.

it takes constant reminding, but i do have good friends. i just have to keep remembering.

p.s. i haven't been able to have a full night's sleep without taking nyquil pills in weeks. but man, that is some good shit when i'm exhausted.

2003-03-09T05:28:00.000-08:00

i'm too political. and i have a reputation.

why bother?

2003-03-08T23:01:00.000-08:00

i'm not a pacifist. but i am anti-war.

2003-03-08T07:38:00.000-08:00

i wonder if anyone actually reads this thing. if you do and you're feeling charitable drop me an email. i doubt anyone does, my 180 visitors are probably all one-timers who ended up here by accident. or i dunno, maybe not?

so, my life is out of control busy. i feel like i'm spiraling and i don't know what i should be doing to slow things down. i spent last night with a friend of mine and it was so nice to just chillax and drink rum and coke and i lied on his bed and closed my eyes for a few minutes while he had a conversation in korean with someone from back home. i wonder how i got wrapped up in activism and education sometimes. mostly it's fulfilling but it's really starting to drain me and a lot of the time it doesn't feel thankful anymore. just lying on cam's bed or getting an impromptu lunch with a classmate-friend after lecture or watching a movie cuddling. i think that's what this is supposed to be all about. i mean that and my schoolwork which i don't mind, but there just never seems to be time to do it.

in other news:
1. i'm often not sure if i read too much into situations, especially ones that include girls. i just need to stop thinking so much, i think.
2. i am going to italy for almost three weeks in june-july. everyone is mad that i'm going to miss pride weekend. i'm a little mad, too.
3. i'm writing a paper about the usa's state response to 9-11 terrorism and focussing on restrictions of civil liberties and increased cooperation made possible by the department of homeland security. i will try to find a way to reach a conclusion that the first mode of fighting terrorism (limiting liberty and freedom) will not work and is harmful and that the latter mode is ineffective in it's current form

2003-03-06T21:12:00.000-08:00

i am drinking bailey's in a blue plastic cup and contemplating sleep. i have learned to appreciate sleep more and i get older and more tired. i found a literary journal at the library today while i was looking for sources for one of my papers... it's called the iowa review or iowa quarterly and i'm not sure why it jumped out at me. but as i opened up and flipped through the pages i had the idea that this looked like the kind of publication that might want to publish something i've written. i didn't even have time to read it over, i wanted to go home and make some dinner. i went grocery shopping the other day so i have real fresh food instead of just frozen stuff. i'm all about fresh bagels and cottage cheese and bananas that haven't even begun to turn brown yet. i don't have class until 10 tomorrow but i think i want to go the library before that to do some studying or reading... we'll see if i actually get my ass out of bed to do that. by the way, i think it should be said. i really do enjoy working at the copy shop. i never thought i'd say it.

2003-03-06T21:03:00.000-08:00

frame:
i lied down gingerly on your bed while my spun and i would like to say it was the way you stood there framed in the door, but no, it was the alcohol and the feeling of freedom and the way i always thought about you when i was horny and drunk. i don't know if i ever had any real feelings for you, but you were there, ever present. a handy memory to be called upon. and you stared at me from you spot and when you grinned your sly grin, like you thought you were getting into my pants tonight i smiled the smile of someone comfortably drunk and sleep and closed my eyes. you sighed loudly, and, my eyes, they fluttered slightly just as you turned away, and i never got the chance to see your backside in your doorframe.

2003-03-04T12:08:00.000-08:00

yesterday
i contemplated the possibilities and it's true that i don't believe that genuine love for someone ever really goes away. no, i'm certain that genuine love stays with you forever. instead, we make our hearts bigger. and reconcile our illusions of love with our less flexible mind. our mind might think it can, but our heart knows it can't. it can't forget yesterday.

2003-03-03T19:26:00.000-08:00

vapor

the smell of the smoke hung in the air as we sat outside on her porch. it doesn't take two people to extinguish a barbeque but i went with her anyways. we sat drenched in our own silence and i contemplated the next thirty seconds. i had about that long to act before we'd be lost in small talk or standing up to join the party inside. i let the time elapse and the night air surrounded me. all i really want tonight is someone to sit on a porch with and say nothing to.

2003-03-03T19:20:00.000-08:00

today i had some plans cancelled which put a bit of a damper on my spirit, which has been waning lately, but it is probably for the best. i've been getting strange vibes from said person and i'm worried that i've done something wrong... i shouldn't dwell on things.

i am lucky for a number of reasons, however the ones that top my list are my friends. jen and i have plans on friday night. and it will involve cheap daiquri's and i have plans coming up with cam and some other sweet kids. and my entire house is staying in kingston for the summer! and so are joe and cam! i'm really happy about this. i've never been so happy to spend months sweating in a house without air conditioning. because you know it's all about the porch parties and beer drinking and bugging emily in her air conditioned office while i design posters and newspaper ads for $10/hour.

2003-03-02T15:10:00.000-08:00

i can't concentrate anymore. i think that academia is not what i'm cut out for. i think that after the next set of sensitivity talks i'm going to resign from equip and if things go even a little strange tonight at culture shock i might resign. i don't have the time or the ability to concentrate on so many things, and i've been feeling very frantic in this manner for a while. i have so many things on my mind that today when i was working on the workshop i promised to give to employment services in kingston that i couldn't concentrate.

i want to spend more time with my friends without feeling guilty about it. i want to spend more time writing. this summer i am staying in kingston to take a class (or two) and i plan on working a minimal amount of the time and not doing any volunteer stuff. then i get to go on a three week trip to far off places where i will meet strangers who share my genes and look like me. when i get back, i'm going back to kingston to work part time (assuming they hire me on as a designer again and they really have no reason not to).

ok. i think i'm losing my mind. i'm going to take a walk and finish my economics assignment and get a bagel. then i will go to my two meetings. the end.

2003-03-01T14:48:00.000-08:00

i've been feeling pretty ill at ease lately in body and mind. and today my body hurts. it hurts like i'm about to start bleeding and the timing is all wrong, i just finished last week. i have this feeling that something is going to go very wrong, very soon. i don't like it.

2003-02-27T07:29:00.000-08:00

roots:

we all come from somewhere, just like the trees. and we're all climbing, reaching for our own personal suns like the branches on those trees. and today i'm an evergreen and i'm tall and sharp and you better not mess with me. yes, today i'm an evergreen.

2003-02-26T19:59:00.000-08:00

there is a very sweet girl who is cooking me dinner tomorrow night and i couldn't be happier about it. i took pictures of the beautiful icy trees today and i'm exhausted. i hardly slept last night and i woke up first thing this morning, bolt-upright, at like 5:30 a.m. or something. i didn't have to be awake until 7a.m. and i could not get back to sleep. i drank a pint after the equip meeting and now i'm going to sleep. xo

2003-02-26T10:09:00.000-08:00

i used to call myself the three month wonder... then the three week wonder... then the three date wonder. i did that to protect myself and because i was scared. i want to make sure that this time i don't make three the (un)lucky number.

i composed poems in my head on the way to work this morning. i immediately forgot them. it was 7:45 a.m. and cold. but there was ice clinging to the trees and the bushes and it coats all the streetlamps and telephone poles. i worked with a boy whose name i didn't know and i was tired and incoherent yet capable at work. i saw about twenty friends in the span of an hour, i didn't even think i knew that many people.

i'm going to take pictures of the icy trees and bushes and buildings with my digital camera now and do some work. it's gorgeous out there.

2003-02-22T10:16:00.000-08:00

i'm becoming increasingly angry at some of the situations i've been in and the way i let them effect me. i should be able to move past them. i'm trying to move past the times i've been cut down, beat up, and hurt. but it's hard. but it's happening slowly.

despite this angst popping up, things have been going alright. spending time at home with my mom was kind of a bust, a few really good times interspersed with a lot of frustration (on my part) and irritability (on her part). i'm glad to be home (my real home) right now though. i'm also really glad that i'm staying here for the spring term instead of going home #1.

things are good indeed. adrienne is coming to town tonight. jen has been awesome. i'm feeling less over-whelmed with school work. and i'm spending a lot of time with a girl i like a lot. and i'm actually getting to work on my essay proposal and the ideas are forming more concretely in my head. what's it about, you ask? united nations election supervision and how this process works, specifically if it has accomplished the goals they set out for it (peace-making/nation-building). right now i think i'm going to compare nambia and cambodia, but i'm not sure if these cases will provide the suitable contrast i'm looking for yet.

2003-02-19T21:30:00.000-08:00

i had a good talk with my mom tonight, it started off in an interesting fashion (about how i should go on the pill)... and we ended up talking about my mom's pregnancies with my brother and i. i'd heard a lot of the stories before but not nearly all of them. and to be honest i never get enough of them. she reasserted for the billionth time that i was a terrible baby (i cried all the time, i was a tough birth, etc.) but we also talked about how damn cute i was as a child. we then looked at my baby pictures, followed by my brother's baby's pictures.

all the pictures illustrated just how cute we both were, and i've come to the conclusion that if i don't have a child with my genes someday i will actually be doing the world a disservice.

the pictures also illustrated two other things:
a) everyone who didn't know my uncle was gay was in SERIOUS denial.
b) that i was a very clingy and protective and doting older sister.

2003-02-19T15:14:00.000-08:00

story from my uncle...

brk (my cousin) is walking through the living room where my uncle is watching TV: "ow!"
uncle joe is alarmed: "what is it, honey?"
brk: "my feelings hurt"

kids say the darnedest things...

2003-02-17T16:47:00.000-08:00

i remember a quote from the movie, where leonard woolf asks virginia woolf:
"in your novel, you said someone had to die, why does someone have to die?"

virginia responds:
"someone has to die so that everyone else can appreciate life."

this has really struck me. and i'm still turning it over in my head. thinking about nonno's death and how it certainly has changed my life. while at the same time i don't know if my nonna would say the same thing...

2003-02-17T10:03:00.000-08:00

i wish i had gone to a protest on saturday... the best protest sign i've heard of:

a picture of bush and underneath there was the text:

"why should i listen to what the american people want? they didn't elect me!"

2003-02-15T21:17:00.000-08:00

i know that most people, even smart, competent, and talented people dwell on their shortcomings and that this is very annoying. i can't help it but do that, too. i think music is revolutionary and magical and i wish i could make it. i have a lot to say. and i wish i could sing it. instead i'll write it and i'll speak it. and i'll try to live it.

2003-02-09T08:18:00.000-08:00

i'm listening to eminem, that might make me a terrible person but i highly doubt it. there are probably far better reasons for someone to think i'm a terrible person. eminem reminds me of my brother and my family and the summer. getting into the car at 7:30 a.m. and eminem blaring out of the speakers. at first i would turn it off irritated, and listen to the flow on my way to work. but once i didn't turn it off and i listened to an entire eminem cd on the way to work. i considered it research and i found myself bopping my head along to it. i don't think anyone will understand the comparison but he reminds me a lot of marilyn manson. in the role he is currently filling in pop culture and music. and his messages aren't all terribly bad, at least not on his more recent cd.

speaking of marilyn manson, he was on tv the other day and emily and i started analyzing him a bit. in a way i have respect for the guy. i'm sure there are plenty of terrible things i don't know about him, but superficially he is pretty interesting. he was anti-establishment, anti-america, anti-media (although he did abuse it), generally a big thorn in a lot of people's sides. he wore dresses and make up. he made it cool for (some) boys to wear dresses. his use of homo-erotic imagery and messages might have made it easier for people to come out and express who they were (specifically for feminine boys). he is certainly not an ideal role model for anyone and there were/are tons of problematic things about him and his music but still on a base level i think he might have been a positive force for (some) kids. i listened to him a bit and i think he might have been a positive influence on me. i needed something angry at the time and that was far more accessible than riot grrrl and queercore punk that i discovered later on.i have some respect for him and now that i'm older and wiser (hah) i'd like to listen to some of his music again and read up on him more and try to analyze this a bit.

it's better that people are listening to smart, articulate, anti-establishment assholes than white power skin head assholes. and i think that for kids the reasons they start listening to either kind of music is similar (i.e. they're angry, they need to get out aggression, etc.) this would make a really interesting paper. i'm sure someone had already written about this, it all seems too obvious to me.

2003-02-07T16:10:00.000-08:00

so, i have a livejournal somewhere on the interweb but i decided to get a bit of a fresh start. i began writing for an audience and to get responses on lj and my posts got boring and tedious. i want this to be something new, something different. i want this to reflect the way i wrote back in first year when i lived in residence. i was more solitary and less stimulated. i don't want to be the girl i was then, but sometimes i want to write like she did; fiercly daily and unabashedly.

since this is my first entry i will say a few things about me. i'm almost 22 years old and attending university in kingston, ontario, canada. i study politics and economics. i'm interested in multi-issue political movements and i stress the word movement. i'm interested in theory only so far as what it can help me understand and accomplish things. i believe in progress. the only faith i have right now is in the possibility of change and progress. in individuals as well as the world. i support the (re)creation of the palestinian state. i believe silence is violence and that marginalized voices need to be heard . i support queer marriage even if i don't think i'll ever take advantage of it. i don't think democracy is the be all and end all, at least not the way north americans envision it. i'm informed by my place in canada as a middle-class young white girl (woman) type person from a family of immigrants and i understand that even i can't understand all the privilege it provides me with, but that i must be willing to recognize it when i find it.

i think gender binaries are false and manufactured and that my behaviour isn't what makes me a girl anymore than what is or isn't in my pants. i don't believe that biology is destiny. i think causing trouble can be useful but that sometimes it's necessary for safety to lay low every now and then. i am sassy and sarcastic and i laugh at myself and others often. i'm an ex-riot grrrl. culturally i'm italian, but ethnically i'm italian and urkrainian. i'm a no-wave anti-racist feminist. i don't believe in safe spaces but i do believe that seperatism is a tool. i'm an aspiring writer. and an educator/activist/organizer.

i don't think i'll ever be finished learning.