4/28/2003
i will update more substantially sooner or later. and when i get back to kingston i will make this page and my website look prettier. i'm drinking smirnoff ice and wondering how much money i can possibly make off pysch experiments this summer.
ok, i'm bored and i got this idea from jimmy, and i felt like posting it... i'm not really feeling emo, these are just some of my favourite songs.
1. Are you a boy or girl?:
"As for me, I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone making out."
(dashboard confessional)
2. Describe yourself:
i don't write for your sympathy.
(skarlet o'hara, fill me up)
3. How do some people feel about you?
"It better work out
I hope it works out my way
'Cause it's getting kind of quiet in my city's head
Takes a teen age riot to get me out of bed right now"
(sonic youth, teenage riot)
4. How do you feel about yourself?:
"Maybe I'm just too demanding,
Maybe I'm just like my father too bold.
Maybe you're just like my mother,
She's never satisfied (She's never satisfied)"
(prince, when doves cry)
5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest:
"she says she talks to the spirits
I wonder if she can talk to herself?
If she can bear to hear it?"
(sonic youth, eric's trip)
6. Where would you rather be?:
"Where a small knife tears out those sloppy seams, and the silence knows what you silence means, and your metaphors (as mixed as you can make them) are linked, like days, together. (...) And I love this place; the enormous sky, and the faces, hands that I'm haunted by, so why can't I forgive these buildings, these frameworks labeled "Home"?
(the weakerthans, this is a fire door never leave open)
7. Describe what you want to be:
"I am your pamphleteer."
(the weakerthans, pamphleteer)
8. Describe how you live:
Everything is everything
What is meant to be, will be
After winter, must come spring
Change, it comes eventually.
(lauryn hill, everything is everything)
9. Describe how you love:
"Get clobbered on by courtesy, in love with love, and lousy poetry. And I'm leaning on a broken fence between Past and Present tense. And I'm losing all these stupid games that I swore I'd never play. And it almost feels okay."
(the weakerthans, aside)
"i veered in circles to get off your path,
i tried to warn you,
this would be the kiss that counted."
(catie curtis, the kiss that counted)
10. Share a few words of wisdom:
"I'd like to actively encourage the toughest man to dance as hard as he can to this, my song. And bring your stupidest friends along. We wrote this song because it's fucking boring to keep spelling out the words that you keep ignoring. And your mscho shit won't phase me now. It just makes us laugh, we got your cash, court-jester take a bow. Because did you know that when I was nine, I tried to fuck a friend of mine? HE was 8, then I turned 10. 14 years later it happened again (with another friend). This time me on the receiving end. And all the fists in the world can't save you now. Cuz if you dance to this, then you drink to me and my sexuality. With your hands down my pants by transitive property."
(propagahndi, less talk, more rock)
etc., just because i can:
"Her body is a difficult sister, and she loves her, and hides her somewhere in herself safe from harm. Her night shift is over, she's writing you a postcard to say that she's okay and it's raining there again. My fury's rising faster than bus-fares. Could someone clarify why there's no structured narrative? no neat story-line to explain? Wish on everything. Pray that she remains proud and strange and so hopelessly hopeful."
(the weakerthans, exiles among you)
ok, i'm bored and i got this idea from jimmy, and i felt like posting it... i'm not really feeling emo, these are just some of my favourite songs.
1. Are you a boy or girl?:
"As for me, I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone making out."
(dashboard confessional)
2. Describe yourself:
i don't write for your sympathy.
(skarlet o'hara, fill me up)
3. How do some people feel about you?
"It better work out
I hope it works out my way
'Cause it's getting kind of quiet in my city's head
Takes a teen age riot to get me out of bed right now"
(sonic youth, teenage riot)
4. How do you feel about yourself?:
"Maybe I'm just too demanding,
Maybe I'm just like my father too bold.
Maybe you're just like my mother,
She's never satisfied (She's never satisfied)"
(prince, when doves cry)
5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest:
"she says she talks to the spirits
I wonder if she can talk to herself?
If she can bear to hear it?"
(sonic youth, eric's trip)
6. Where would you rather be?:
"Where a small knife tears out those sloppy seams, and the silence knows what you silence means, and your metaphors (as mixed as you can make them) are linked, like days, together. (...) And I love this place; the enormous sky, and the faces, hands that I'm haunted by, so why can't I forgive these buildings, these frameworks labeled "Home"?
(the weakerthans, this is a fire door never leave open)
7. Describe what you want to be:
"I am your pamphleteer."
(the weakerthans, pamphleteer)
8. Describe how you live:
Everything is everything
What is meant to be, will be
After winter, must come spring
Change, it comes eventually.
(lauryn hill, everything is everything)
9. Describe how you love:
"Get clobbered on by courtesy, in love with love, and lousy poetry. And I'm leaning on a broken fence between Past and Present tense. And I'm losing all these stupid games that I swore I'd never play. And it almost feels okay."
(the weakerthans, aside)
"i veered in circles to get off your path,
i tried to warn you,
this would be the kiss that counted."
(catie curtis, the kiss that counted)
10. Share a few words of wisdom:
"I'd like to actively encourage the toughest man to dance as hard as he can to this, my song. And bring your stupidest friends along. We wrote this song because it's fucking boring to keep spelling out the words that you keep ignoring. And your mscho shit won't phase me now. It just makes us laugh, we got your cash, court-jester take a bow. Because did you know that when I was nine, I tried to fuck a friend of mine? HE was 8, then I turned 10. 14 years later it happened again (with another friend). This time me on the receiving end. And all the fists in the world can't save you now. Cuz if you dance to this, then you drink to me and my sexuality. With your hands down my pants by transitive property."
(propagahndi, less talk, more rock)
etc., just because i can:
"Her body is a difficult sister, and she loves her, and hides her somewhere in herself safe from harm. Her night shift is over, she's writing you a postcard to say that she's okay and it's raining there again. My fury's rising faster than bus-fares. Could someone clarify why there's no structured narrative? no neat story-line to explain? Wish on everything. Pray that she remains proud and strange and so hopelessly hopeful."
(the weakerthans, exiles among you)
4/26/2003
it's a beautiful spring day. warm enough to wear just my hoody, and i love it. i slept in very late. and dammit. i like that. i spent the afternoon talking to my mom, visiting sabrina at work, taking a walk around ching park and sitting on a bench to watch some ducks and drink some coke.
i'm home and i stood outside talking to my next door neighbour who i ignore when i come home late at night, because he's always out there drinking with his friends and i'm always alone. and i may be bob's sister, but i'm still alone and it's dark and i'm just the rude little nusiance whose hair keeps getting shorter and who comes home every few months and borrows the car. and i am not scared of my neighbour, not at all. but i'm a little fearful in general when dusk hits. i talked up t's girlfriend and she is one of those girls who is just genuine and nice. it makes me happy to be hanging out with them tonight.
i feel better about life in brampton and about my parents. and i was talking to my mom about maybe moving back home after i graduate just for a few months until i find a job and apartment and find a life. or i can hope that adrienne will need a roommate, because she is scoring a sweet ass apartment and in 12 months her first roommate will be moving out. and i can move into little italy and practice my italian in bakeries and life with someone who i consider one of my best friends.
it's tough, to think back to some of the people i used to spend all my time with. i haven't seen them in ages. chances are i won't see them tonight, they were never the party animal types and even if they were they are either too snobby to go to this bar or too scared because they would surely get their asses kicked just for showing up.
and i wonder what it says about me that i don't care for most of them anymore. was i really only hanging out with them because they were convenient and i was lonely? i don't like to think that's the case. but here i am, 30 pounds lighter, out of the closet, 3 years later, and indepedent, and i'm not scared of going. i have no fears here. and they do. i moved on with my life, and they are still running in the same little circles and dating all of the same people. they would laugh at me if they knew i was goign to jack's with my brother and his friends and that i was going to wear tight jeans and a red tank top that shows off my cleavage.
but i don't have anything to say to them. i want to run into the kids from high school who i was friendly with but never got a chance to know. i want to meet my brother's friends and see how he operates with the little girlies. i am going with some fun kids who i used to chauffer around when i was 16 and who used to ride their bikes over here before they grew up and got jobs and bought cars. these "kids" are going to be making out with cute girls, trying to set me up with boys, and buying me drinks. i'm going to be playing ''spot the lesbian'' and having daydreams about some of the cute girls i left behind in kingston and places unknown. and keeping my fingers crossed that the cute jock lesbian who came out after high school makes an impromptu appearance so i get some eye candy and maybe try to make a move. (brave young angela, trying to mack the d-ladies at straight bars, how predictable!)
i'm home and i stood outside talking to my next door neighbour who i ignore when i come home late at night, because he's always out there drinking with his friends and i'm always alone. and i may be bob's sister, but i'm still alone and it's dark and i'm just the rude little nusiance whose hair keeps getting shorter and who comes home every few months and borrows the car. and i am not scared of my neighbour, not at all. but i'm a little fearful in general when dusk hits. i talked up t's girlfriend and she is one of those girls who is just genuine and nice. it makes me happy to be hanging out with them tonight.
i feel better about life in brampton and about my parents. and i was talking to my mom about maybe moving back home after i graduate just for a few months until i find a job and apartment and find a life. or i can hope that adrienne will need a roommate, because she is scoring a sweet ass apartment and in 12 months her first roommate will be moving out. and i can move into little italy and practice my italian in bakeries and life with someone who i consider one of my best friends.
it's tough, to think back to some of the people i used to spend all my time with. i haven't seen them in ages. chances are i won't see them tonight, they were never the party animal types and even if they were they are either too snobby to go to this bar or too scared because they would surely get their asses kicked just for showing up.
and i wonder what it says about me that i don't care for most of them anymore. was i really only hanging out with them because they were convenient and i was lonely? i don't like to think that's the case. but here i am, 30 pounds lighter, out of the closet, 3 years later, and indepedent, and i'm not scared of going. i have no fears here. and they do. i moved on with my life, and they are still running in the same little circles and dating all of the same people. they would laugh at me if they knew i was goign to jack's with my brother and his friends and that i was going to wear tight jeans and a red tank top that shows off my cleavage.
but i don't have anything to say to them. i want to run into the kids from high school who i was friendly with but never got a chance to know. i want to meet my brother's friends and see how he operates with the little girlies. i am going with some fun kids who i used to chauffer around when i was 16 and who used to ride their bikes over here before they grew up and got jobs and bought cars. these "kids" are going to be making out with cute girls, trying to set me up with boys, and buying me drinks. i'm going to be playing ''spot the lesbian'' and having daydreams about some of the cute girls i left behind in kingston and places unknown. and keeping my fingers crossed that the cute jock lesbian who came out after high school makes an impromptu appearance so i get some eye candy and maybe try to make a move. (brave young angela, trying to mack the d-ladies at straight bars, how predictable!)
4/23/2003
you should note that my mood is now fabulous. i wrote my last exam this afternoon and spent the afternoon hanging out with a couple of my gal pals at the goat. i am waiting for jen to call me so i can go meet her at work. we will then find some place warm and dry to have warm alcoholic beverages. the next week (after thursday) is shaping up to be a lot of fun. partying with adrienne and the toronto crew, going out to a bar with my little brother and his friends, dinner with fabulous gay uncle and his partner, seeing sabrina and dee, michelle, lots of free time to watch movies and read fun books, and of course my mom's fabulous cooking. yeah things are doing pretty good right now. YAY.
more substantial updates later this week, i'm sure.
more substantial updates later this week, i'm sure.
4/20/2003
it's easter sunday, today. i'm catholic but not religious. i feel like i'm catholic because i'm italian, not because i believe in god or anything. i find it fascinating actually. religion (in general). but i don't feel connected to it. it feels like this thing that other people DO.
i used to like church, f'real. when i was 10 and 11, i went by myself every sunday. i'd sit by myself near the back, or i'd sit with my teacher and her family near the front if she saw me and motioned me over. my mom would drop me off and in the summer i would ride my bike there and lock it to a tree. i'd wear my only pair of black pants and a button down shirt or sweater. my church wasn't a real church, we held mass in the gymnasium of my elementary school. when i was in grade 7 i helped move the alter from the storage space every friday instead of going to last period.
i always wanted to beleive, i think. but i just don't. i just can't. and the institution of the church makes me angry. but my priest (father wayne) was cool. he brushed his hair over his bald spot and he was very kind and always smiled at me even when i asked all the questions of a budding atheist child. so yeah, i don't really believe. or maybe i believe in something different, something a little less tangible but still important? i don't know. i have trouble explaining stuff like this, probably because i'm not even sure what it is i'm trying to explain.
i just realized that my grandfather died 6 months and 10 days ago. i should have called my nonna on the 6 month anniversary but i didn't. bad grand daughter. i was serious about going to light a candle for him, but churches kind of make me feel bad and weird. i really want to be able to go with someone who could understand. like, i think my brother would understand... he would laugh when i made the suggestion but he would get it. and he would feel weird in there too, but then my little brother would drive us to dairy queen and i'd have a skor blizzard and throw away over half of it.
i'm wracking my brain trying to think of someone who would GET IT and who i would feel comfortable doing that with. someone who would laugh with me afterwards without being inappropriate. and someone who would pretend they didn't see me cry but give me a hug anyways. funny, how the only people i can think of are all boys and none of them live here. surprising because i only know a handful of boys in other places. i want my brother to be here right now, gay jokes and all.
i used to like church, f'real. when i was 10 and 11, i went by myself every sunday. i'd sit by myself near the back, or i'd sit with my teacher and her family near the front if she saw me and motioned me over. my mom would drop me off and in the summer i would ride my bike there and lock it to a tree. i'd wear my only pair of black pants and a button down shirt or sweater. my church wasn't a real church, we held mass in the gymnasium of my elementary school. when i was in grade 7 i helped move the alter from the storage space every friday instead of going to last period.
i always wanted to beleive, i think. but i just don't. i just can't. and the institution of the church makes me angry. but my priest (father wayne) was cool. he brushed his hair over his bald spot and he was very kind and always smiled at me even when i asked all the questions of a budding atheist child. so yeah, i don't really believe. or maybe i believe in something different, something a little less tangible but still important? i don't know. i have trouble explaining stuff like this, probably because i'm not even sure what it is i'm trying to explain.
i just realized that my grandfather died 6 months and 10 days ago. i should have called my nonna on the 6 month anniversary but i didn't. bad grand daughter. i was serious about going to light a candle for him, but churches kind of make me feel bad and weird. i really want to be able to go with someone who could understand. like, i think my brother would understand... he would laugh when i made the suggestion but he would get it. and he would feel weird in there too, but then my little brother would drive us to dairy queen and i'd have a skor blizzard and throw away over half of it.
i'm wracking my brain trying to think of someone who would GET IT and who i would feel comfortable doing that with. someone who would laugh with me afterwards without being inappropriate. and someone who would pretend they didn't see me cry but give me a hug anyways. funny, how the only people i can think of are all boys and none of them live here. surprising because i only know a handful of boys in other places. i want my brother to be here right now, gay jokes and all.
4/19/2003
i was in the study room today and i noticed this cute short-haired chick in the bathroom, mostly because i thought i was alone until she came out of the stall. i didn't go back to the study room right away though, and when i got back to the room she had chosen a desk right near mine, but behind me. and i noticed her looking at me a couple of times, like i would look and she would turn away. but i'm ballsy and would just stare at her for a minute or two before looking away.
i was dressed in what i now call my 12 year old boy outfit. baggy olive carpenter pants i stole from a real-life boy, my boy's large t-shirt and my yellow hooded sweatshirt. and my flat (yet shaggy) hair was looking very boyish. and i know she was checking me out because i'm queer. i mean, what i was wearing today doesn't really matter. because as i was told by iman, her housemate said that i am "famous in the gay and lesbian community"... HAH! (my mother would be proud... NO).
so, short-haired chick was wearing a white button up shirt and i just thought: oh my, totally dykealicious. and cute. so i draw queer people to me like i'm a big gay fridge and they're small homosexual magnets. yes, i said little homosexual magnets. i meet people before they come out, i meet people and introduce them around and sometimes i even go on a few dates with them (some of my best stories are drawn from these experiences). but mostly. yes, they're little friendly tourists and i'm the tour guide.
i get emails from queers saying "i don't know any other gay people" and i meet people who say "i just want to check out wally's" and people i meet say "so, how did you KNOW?" these people are drawn to me and i can't turn them away because i can't remember what it feels like to not know another queer. but i can remember how scared i was the first time i went to a queer bar and i remember asking my gay friends "so, uhh... when did you know?"
but sometimes i get sick of being everyone's first token queer friend. i don't think they all used me like a token, but i think a couple of them did. but then again, some of my best friends have been these random "how did you know?"-girls and "i'm just here because the music is good"-boys. and i wouldn't trade them for anything.
oh, and aside from the great friends... it's really nice to have a random make out session with a curious girl... i know she doesn't want to go pack up her u-haul and move in (uh, like "le freak #1"). she just wants to fool around and feel me up. and y'know what? that is perfectly okay with me.
so...
i finished exam #3 today at 5pm. i wrote for the entire 3 hours and filled four exam booklets. that's some kind of record for me because ussually i top out at 2 and a half. i guess i was just more chatty than usual. hah. i felt like i should include a note at the end apologizing for talking so much.
i have plans tonight with my girls. it started out being just janie and i. than i told courtney. and it snowballed from there. nadia, her gf, sally, one of nad's friends, and my boy cameron. like i said, my girls. tonight is all about chilling at the pub and then heading out for a night of dancing.
i was dressed in what i now call my 12 year old boy outfit. baggy olive carpenter pants i stole from a real-life boy, my boy's large t-shirt and my yellow hooded sweatshirt. and my flat (yet shaggy) hair was looking very boyish. and i know she was checking me out because i'm queer. i mean, what i was wearing today doesn't really matter. because as i was told by iman, her housemate said that i am "famous in the gay and lesbian community"... HAH! (my mother would be proud... NO).
so, short-haired chick was wearing a white button up shirt and i just thought: oh my, totally dykealicious. and cute. so i draw queer people to me like i'm a big gay fridge and they're small homosexual magnets. yes, i said little homosexual magnets. i meet people before they come out, i meet people and introduce them around and sometimes i even go on a few dates with them (some of my best stories are drawn from these experiences). but mostly. yes, they're little friendly tourists and i'm the tour guide.
i get emails from queers saying "i don't know any other gay people" and i meet people who say "i just want to check out wally's" and people i meet say "so, how did you KNOW?" these people are drawn to me and i can't turn them away because i can't remember what it feels like to not know another queer. but i can remember how scared i was the first time i went to a queer bar and i remember asking my gay friends "so, uhh... when did you know?"
but sometimes i get sick of being everyone's first token queer friend. i don't think they all used me like a token, but i think a couple of them did. but then again, some of my best friends have been these random "how did you know?"-girls and "i'm just here because the music is good"-boys. and i wouldn't trade them for anything.
oh, and aside from the great friends... it's really nice to have a random make out session with a curious girl... i know she doesn't want to go pack up her u-haul and move in (uh, like "le freak #1"). she just wants to fool around and feel me up. and y'know what? that is perfectly okay with me.
so...
i finished exam #3 today at 5pm. i wrote for the entire 3 hours and filled four exam booklets. that's some kind of record for me because ussually i top out at 2 and a half. i guess i was just more chatty than usual. hah. i felt like i should include a note at the end apologizing for talking so much.
i have plans tonight with my girls. it started out being just janie and i. than i told courtney. and it snowballed from there. nadia, her gf, sally, one of nad's friends, and my boy cameron. like i said, my girls. tonight is all about chilling at the pub and then heading out for a night of dancing.
4/18/2003
my dad called me yesterday and we had a real grown-up conversation, as in: he didn't talk down to me. he was understanding. he has finally begun to respect some of my choices. we talked about what i wanted to do after i graduate (in one year!) and he has some people he wants me to meet. there is a chance i might be able to get a job at a government agency that works to promote art and "new media" and give grants for writers, art, film, and stuff like that. well, at least i'll meet the director and make a contact. there is also the possibility of meeting someone who is involved in political communication and government relations. damn, either of those options would rock.
i am still interested in pursuing graduate school eventually, but that could be on a part time basis in the future or a full time basis after a few years in the real world. i don't want to work for a university or write about politics, i want to learn about it so i can DO IT (for lack of a better term) and i think actually spending some time in the real world to determine what actually happens when people "do politics" would be helpful. i've already worked at that lobbying company, i've worked for government advertisers (the infamous ad agency i sold my soul to for three years) and i've been involved in "political activism"... so, working for a government agency (especially one that deals in ART and MEDIA and GIVING AWAY MONEY) would be so perfect.
it seems so surreal that i might finally be taking the first real and more permanent step outside of the school mentality. i took that time off between high school and university but that was with the knowledge i'd be at queen's sooner rather than later. and when i take the step a year from now i may end up going back, but in reality, if i get some good experience and can get jobs and am really enjoying myself, i might not go back to school full time ever again. and if i do, it will be a totally different experience than this time around anyways.
i'm only a little scared. mostly i'm damned excited at stepping out of the security bubble. i'm excited that in a year i will be no longer be a student. for the first time in forever, i won't have that label to provide me with comfort or security. part of can't wait for this to begin. i am one of those people who used to think it would be cool to be a student forever, and while i want to keep learning forever and i will likely take more classes at a later date i don't want to be "a student" forever. you get the difference? i didn't really get the difference until just recently.
i'm not living in the future by any means, this just all came up yesterday while i was talking to my dad and i wanted to get it all out onto my computer screen.
p.s. in 6 days i'll officially be done my third year of university! boo yah.
i am still interested in pursuing graduate school eventually, but that could be on a part time basis in the future or a full time basis after a few years in the real world. i don't want to work for a university or write about politics, i want to learn about it so i can DO IT (for lack of a better term) and i think actually spending some time in the real world to determine what actually happens when people "do politics" would be helpful. i've already worked at that lobbying company, i've worked for government advertisers (the infamous ad agency i sold my soul to for three years) and i've been involved in "political activism"... so, working for a government agency (especially one that deals in ART and MEDIA and GIVING AWAY MONEY) would be so perfect.
it seems so surreal that i might finally be taking the first real and more permanent step outside of the school mentality. i took that time off between high school and university but that was with the knowledge i'd be at queen's sooner rather than later. and when i take the step a year from now i may end up going back, but in reality, if i get some good experience and can get jobs and am really enjoying myself, i might not go back to school full time ever again. and if i do, it will be a totally different experience than this time around anyways.
i'm only a little scared. mostly i'm damned excited at stepping out of the security bubble. i'm excited that in a year i will be no longer be a student. for the first time in forever, i won't have that label to provide me with comfort or security. part of can't wait for this to begin. i am one of those people who used to think it would be cool to be a student forever, and while i want to keep learning forever and i will likely take more classes at a later date i don't want to be "a student" forever. you get the difference? i didn't really get the difference until just recently.
i'm not living in the future by any means, this just all came up yesterday while i was talking to my dad and i wanted to get it all out onto my computer screen.
p.s. in 6 days i'll officially be done my third year of university! boo yah.
4/16/2003
i keep getting kicked out the classrooms i choose to study in by people who claim to have the room reserved, but the last person to kick me out was rather... uh, sketchy about it.
i have three exams to go, but the first one was a huge weight off my shoulders. tomorrow i have a very tough exam to write for microeconomic theory II. yeah, even the name is intimidating and i'm currently failing the class (with like a 48%) but the exam is worth 50% of my final mark and i think i can pull it up to a 60%. at least, i hope so. although a 65% (recognized as a B) would be better.
my life gets pretty boring when it starts revolving around school, as it is now.
this saturday a bunch of my d'dykely friend are meeting me at my favourite pub. the worst of my exams will be over by then. and then wednesday morning i will write my last exam of the term and go shopping for books for the spring term. then i'll pack my suitcase for a trip home, hang out with jen that night and partake in pina coladas. the next day i work 9 hours at the copy shop and then i'll head straight to the bus or train station to get my ass back to the GTA. i will dye my hair on friday and i'll be ready to party on saturday.
i am going out with my brother! to a straight bar! how exciting. i will get to see my little brother drunk and flirting with girls. i will possibly run into people from high school. i will dance with my brother's friends and i'll look stunning doing it.
the rest of the week will be dedicated to seeing my tdot friends, hitting up the dyke bars, spending time with my mom, sitting on our deck that overlooks the "lake", getting re-aquainted with my in-line skates, and reading a lot of books for FUN. i have stuff to go through by jeanette winterson, dionne brand, jamaica kincaid, rohinton mistry, and some short story anthologies. i can't wait for my week of pure relaxation.
i got much love for the world right now, even if differential equations, utility levels, production functions, and my micro textbook are in my near future.
i have three exams to go, but the first one was a huge weight off my shoulders. tomorrow i have a very tough exam to write for microeconomic theory II. yeah, even the name is intimidating and i'm currently failing the class (with like a 48%) but the exam is worth 50% of my final mark and i think i can pull it up to a 60%. at least, i hope so. although a 65% (recognized as a B) would be better.
my life gets pretty boring when it starts revolving around school, as it is now.
this saturday a bunch of my d'dykely friend are meeting me at my favourite pub. the worst of my exams will be over by then. and then wednesday morning i will write my last exam of the term and go shopping for books for the spring term. then i'll pack my suitcase for a trip home, hang out with jen that night and partake in pina coladas. the next day i work 9 hours at the copy shop and then i'll head straight to the bus or train station to get my ass back to the GTA. i will dye my hair on friday and i'll be ready to party on saturday.
i am going out with my brother! to a straight bar! how exciting. i will get to see my little brother drunk and flirting with girls. i will possibly run into people from high school. i will dance with my brother's friends and i'll look stunning doing it.
the rest of the week will be dedicated to seeing my tdot friends, hitting up the dyke bars, spending time with my mom, sitting on our deck that overlooks the "lake", getting re-aquainted with my in-line skates, and reading a lot of books for FUN. i have stuff to go through by jeanette winterson, dionne brand, jamaica kincaid, rohinton mistry, and some short story anthologies. i can't wait for my week of pure relaxation.
i got much love for the world right now, even if differential equations, utility levels, production functions, and my micro textbook are in my near future.
4/13/2003
today i remembered why i love school, in the midst of finals and all the stress. something clicked and then magically i was able to apply some knowledge i learnt last term, and here i am paying too much for my degree. but i still feel good about it. maybe it's a little counter intuitive for a bunch of supposedly intelligent people to pay money for a piece of paper that will tell other people i'm intelligent when that much should be obvious, but i do it anyways. and in the end i feel good about it all.
i'm really looking forward to my summer classes, to taking my first literature course since high school and taking a finance course at the same time. the next few days are going to be stressful, but come saturday afternoon i can take a deep breath, drink some beer with some friends, and then start studying environmental economics on sunday morning.
i'm thinking of going to the catholic church to light a candle for my nonno on saturday after my exam. i don't know why, but i feel like if i'm in a church i can talk to him in a way i can't talk to him here. i might even say a prayer or two, not for myself but for him. sometimes i'm sure i don't believe in this stuff, but since he's died it's all been up in the air. and i'm just not sure anymore...
i'm really looking forward to my summer classes, to taking my first literature course since high school and taking a finance course at the same time. the next few days are going to be stressful, but come saturday afternoon i can take a deep breath, drink some beer with some friends, and then start studying environmental economics on sunday morning.
i'm thinking of going to the catholic church to light a candle for my nonno on saturday after my exam. i don't know why, but i feel like if i'm in a church i can talk to him in a way i can't talk to him here. i might even say a prayer or two, not for myself but for him. sometimes i'm sure i don't believe in this stuff, but since he's died it's all been up in the air. and i'm just not sure anymore...
4/12/2003
the weakerthans do it for me everytime:
I'm standing on this corner.
Can't get their attention.
Facing rush hour faces turned around.
I clutch my stack of paper, press one to a chest,
then watch it swoop and stutter to the ground.
I'm weary with right-angles, abbreviated daylight,
and waiting for a winter to be done.
Why do I still see you in every mirrored window,
in all that I could never overcome?
How I don't know what I should do with my hands when I talk to you.
How you don't know where you should look, so you look at my hands.
exams will be over in less than two weeks. school will be over and i'll get a fresh start. and maybe some perspective on the state of the world and the state of my relationship with myself. i'll start re-learning italian. i'll start looking into the foreign services exam and taking a langauge class in toronto in august. i'll buy a new pair of shoes. i'll stop thinking in finite blocks of time. i'll get some solitude. i will go out to that bar with my brother. i will write a short story about it.
I'm standing on this corner.
Can't get their attention.
Facing rush hour faces turned around.
I clutch my stack of paper, press one to a chest,
then watch it swoop and stutter to the ground.
I'm weary with right-angles, abbreviated daylight,
and waiting for a winter to be done.
Why do I still see you in every mirrored window,
in all that I could never overcome?
How I don't know what I should do with my hands when I talk to you.
How you don't know where you should look, so you look at my hands.
exams will be over in less than two weeks. school will be over and i'll get a fresh start. and maybe some perspective on the state of the world and the state of my relationship with myself. i'll start re-learning italian. i'll start looking into the foreign services exam and taking a langauge class in toronto in august. i'll buy a new pair of shoes. i'll stop thinking in finite blocks of time. i'll get some solitude. i will go out to that bar with my brother. i will write a short story about it.
4/11/2003
thoughts on the war
so, the "war with iraq" appears to be over. really, i think that title is misleading. even "war on iraq" isn't accurate.
it was an invasion of another soveriegn nation. the american soldiers within the borders constitute an occupying force.
there is looting on the streets but american forces are not prepared to act as police, too bad they've rendered all civilian police basically useless. the initial looting was of state warehouses, but now people's homes and family businesses are being looted. it is the responsibility of any occupying force to maintain law and order (although i do shudder at the idea of american soldiers acting as police men... and did someone say ILLEGAL WAR... cough). story
when the americans cannot make people stop quickly enough at checkpoints they simply open fire. yesterday 9 people were killed in a van, 2 of them children. story
the usa opening fire on civilivians on WEDNESDAY (hey, i thought the war was over)
good god. and sharon says he wants palestine to heed Iraq example?
more thoughts on the "war" when i'm more coherent. this is degenerating into me just posting links instead of my thoughts anyways.
so, the "war with iraq" appears to be over. really, i think that title is misleading. even "war on iraq" isn't accurate.
it was an invasion of another soveriegn nation. the american soldiers within the borders constitute an occupying force.
there is looting on the streets but american forces are not prepared to act as police, too bad they've rendered all civilian police basically useless. the initial looting was of state warehouses, but now people's homes and family businesses are being looted. it is the responsibility of any occupying force to maintain law and order (although i do shudder at the idea of american soldiers acting as police men... and did someone say ILLEGAL WAR... cough). story
when the americans cannot make people stop quickly enough at checkpoints they simply open fire. yesterday 9 people were killed in a van, 2 of them children. story
the usa opening fire on civilivians on WEDNESDAY (hey, i thought the war was over)
good god. and sharon says he wants palestine to heed Iraq example?
more thoughts on the "war" when i'm more coherent. this is degenerating into me just posting links instead of my thoughts anyways.
4/08/2003
i'm in brampton. i have a sore throat. i bought a new watch. i went out for coffee with sabrina. i have been doing a lot of work but it doesn't really seem like enough. no arguments with the parents although my dad has been grumpy. my mom hates the war and she hates CNN. my mom was a disco queen in her day, she totally could have been a hippie. the SARS outbreak in toronto is kind of freaking me out and my cough is making me paranoid that i might have it, but that is pretty damned unlikely.
my brother wants to go out clubbing with me. i find this hilarious. i'm excited to do this, but it will have to wait until my next visit as i have too much work to do this time around. my brother was anti-clubbing until he turned 19. and now he's like an addict and goes at least once a week. i'll be looking forward to the next time i come home (just a little over two weeks from now).
my brother wants to go out clubbing with me. i find this hilarious. i'm excited to do this, but it will have to wait until my next visit as i have too much work to do this time around. my brother was anti-clubbing until he turned 19. and now he's like an addict and goes at least once a week. i'll be looking forward to the next time i come home (just a little over two weeks from now).
4/07/2003
you folks should really check out the links to the right. there is good music, good reading, and good ideas. not to mention good people
in other news, last night i went to the staff social. i ended up talking with my immeadiate supervisor for a great portion of the night. first, when we were both relatively sober about advertising companies and the like, since he's looking for a job. i told him i might have an in. later on in the night we started talking about the whole queer thing. being the only out lady, but apparently not quite out enough that people just naturally pick up on it, was a weird experience. i'd drop all kinds of hints and people would just keep on smiling and then give me bewildered looks when i told them i was going to wally's. i think i made him feel uncomfortable by the end, which did not start out being my intention. but by the end someone else was calling him a racist, so i went with the bigot. my manager is really neither of those two things, but we were all drunk and it seemed funny at the time. i actually feel kind of bad for him now, because he really is a sweet guy. ooops.
i have to go into work soon, maybe he'll be there and i can apologize a little. he seemed really unhappy by the end of it all. poor white straight men, how dare i make them feel uncomfortable? actually on second thought i think every white straight man should feel uncomfortable at least once in his life. makes them realize how damned uncomfortable it can be for those who feel uncomfortable a greater portion of our lives. no? yes.
in other news, last night i went to the staff social. i ended up talking with my immeadiate supervisor for a great portion of the night. first, when we were both relatively sober about advertising companies and the like, since he's looking for a job. i told him i might have an in. later on in the night we started talking about the whole queer thing. being the only out lady, but apparently not quite out enough that people just naturally pick up on it, was a weird experience. i'd drop all kinds of hints and people would just keep on smiling and then give me bewildered looks when i told them i was going to wally's. i think i made him feel uncomfortable by the end, which did not start out being my intention. but by the end someone else was calling him a racist, so i went with the bigot. my manager is really neither of those two things, but we were all drunk and it seemed funny at the time. i actually feel kind of bad for him now, because he really is a sweet guy. ooops.
i have to go into work soon, maybe he'll be there and i can apologize a little. he seemed really unhappy by the end of it all. poor white straight men, how dare i make them feel uncomfortable? actually on second thought i think every white straight man should feel uncomfortable at least once in his life. makes them realize how damned uncomfortable it can be for those who feel uncomfortable a greater portion of our lives. no? yes.
4/06/2003
classes are done for another year and i'm left with a pile of readings i never bothered to do. although the pile is slightly smaller than it has been in the past, which i find amusing because this year has been a difficult year for a lot of reasons.
last night i went out to "the bar" and danced it up. i was really tired so i only stayed for a few hours, but it was nice just the same. prior to pre-partying and dancing i stopped by courtney's house and we visited the liquor store. later we hit up dare's and ordered pizza in order to distract her for a few hours from her social theory paper. all in all a good night. i got to spend time with a majority of my friends and i even made a couple new ones (nudge-nudge). very cool.
alas, now my printer is out of ink and i need to print up some stuff. instead of buying new ink (i'll talk my mom into buying it for me) i'm going to shower and get myself to work where there are many printers all at my disposable.
last night i went out to "the bar" and danced it up. i was really tired so i only stayed for a few hours, but it was nice just the same. prior to pre-partying and dancing i stopped by courtney's house and we visited the liquor store. later we hit up dare's and ordered pizza in order to distract her for a few hours from her social theory paper. all in all a good night. i got to spend time with a majority of my friends and i even made a couple new ones (nudge-nudge). very cool.
alas, now my printer is out of ink and i need to print up some stuff. instead of buying new ink (i'll talk my mom into buying it for me) i'm going to shower and get myself to work where there are many printers all at my disposable.
4/05/2003
if your country was being attacked and you felt it was unjust, wouldn't you do what it took to defend yourself?
human bombing kills three soldiers
US soldiers face fierce street battles
i commend them for their bravery, and i abhor the attitude of american citizens who are all about "supporting our troops" and tying yellow ribbons around their car antennas every time a soldier dies. why? because he (sometimes she) is american. when americans die on the street due to hunger or street violence at home, americans just want their bodies cleaned up as soon as possible lest they decrease the value of their homes. the moral of the story? if you're a government sponsored murderer, you get our grief. otherwise, you're shit out of luck.
for those of you who don't know aljazeera (in english) is a good source for news on iraq. much better than CNN and the BBC.
human bombing kills three soldiers
US soldiers face fierce street battles
i commend them for their bravery, and i abhor the attitude of american citizens who are all about "supporting our troops" and tying yellow ribbons around their car antennas every time a soldier dies. why? because he (sometimes she) is american. when americans die on the street due to hunger or street violence at home, americans just want their bodies cleaned up as soon as possible lest they decrease the value of their homes. the moral of the story? if you're a government sponsored murderer, you get our grief. otherwise, you're shit out of luck.
for those of you who don't know aljazeera (in english) is a good source for news on iraq. much better than CNN and the BBC.
4/02/2003
everyone is talking about revolution...
after finding out yesterday that my parents are anti-war, i've been floating on air. this probably seems rather silly, everyone is anti-war, right? well, i wasn't sure my parents would be and i knew it would upset me if they were pro-war, so i wasn't bringing it up (especially not over the phone). but my dad asked me what i thought about the war (duh) and i braced myself for an arguement. and before i could say anything, he went on about how ridiculous it all is. he doesn't support hussein (of course) but he says he can't support bush because, "angela, they are INVADING another country... how can any free-thinking individual support that?" my arguement goes further than that, but yes. yes, exactly dad.
at work today there was anti-war music and peace songs from the 60s and 70s. these little things are so heartening. it's these things that are keeping me from giving up on the rest of the world.
if you haven't read these things already, please do:
michael moore's letter topresident governor bush
read the small print: the usa wants to privatize iraqi war
and most importantly:
no way out by george monboit (there is no happy ending to this war, period.)
sign this petition: we stand for peace and justice
after finding out yesterday that my parents are anti-war, i've been floating on air. this probably seems rather silly, everyone is anti-war, right? well, i wasn't sure my parents would be and i knew it would upset me if they were pro-war, so i wasn't bringing it up (especially not over the phone). but my dad asked me what i thought about the war (duh) and i braced myself for an arguement. and before i could say anything, he went on about how ridiculous it all is. he doesn't support hussein (of course) but he says he can't support bush because, "angela, they are INVADING another country... how can any free-thinking individual support that?" my arguement goes further than that, but yes. yes, exactly dad.
at work today there was anti-war music and peace songs from the 60s and 70s. these little things are so heartening. it's these things that are keeping me from giving up on the rest of the world.
if you haven't read these things already, please do:
michael moore's letter to
read the small print: the usa wants to privatize iraqi war
and most importantly:
no way out by george monboit (there is no happy ending to this war, period.)
sign this petition: we stand for peace and justice
4/01/2003
my parents called me today (instead of me calling them) and the good news is:
MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING ANTI-WAR. take that governor bush.
my parents! my conservative parents. my parents who would probably vote republican (okay, my mom would be a conservative democrat) are fucking anti-war.
i'm looking forward to going home and talking to my mom about this now. she actually used words like propaganda and asked me to print out some critical articles for her since she doesn't use the internet and only wached TV and reads the toronto star. she told me, however, that she is boycotting CNN.
i'm so proud of my mom.
MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING ANTI-WAR. take that governor bush.
my parents! my conservative parents. my parents who would probably vote republican (okay, my mom would be a conservative democrat) are fucking anti-war.
i'm looking forward to going home and talking to my mom about this now. she actually used words like propaganda and asked me to print out some critical articles for her since she doesn't use the internet and only wached TV and reads the toronto star. she told me, however, that she is boycotting CNN.
i'm so proud of my mom.
