3/31/2003
THIS IS IMPORTANT, READ CAREFULLY.
by daphne gottlieb, march 23, 2003
to be distributed freely
No Poetry After Auschwitz
said Adorno, but there are still
poems, in a mark of arrogance or hope,
maybe both.
This is not a poem
it is a rock
through a window--
it is a smash
and run--
it is a broken capitalism machine
150 miles
from Baghdad.
The television is on at the law firm.
There is no business as usual.
The building is surrounded by fences
and riot cops
who are fighting the crime
of free speech, free assembly.
Yesterday they dragged a woman by her hair.
Today, last night, three days ago,
the Anarchists covered their faces
hid Molotov cocktails in the bushes.
On our way to the protest, my friend tells me,
I am not covering my face.
It seems its one of the fundamental freedoms left.
I have a bandana in my pocket
just in case.
I am trying to find ways
to stem my own anger,
my body a grenade rolling in the street
teeth clenched, handing out flowers
stolen from the lobby of a law firm
to the motorists we delay, thanking them
for their patience
while the U.S. bombs
the fuck out of another country
it has already starved to death.
I am trying to find reasons not
to smash things. Last night an American soldier
threw three grenades into commanders tents.
They say he acted out of resentment.
I understand resentment
I believe in nonviolence
I stick my hands in my pockets
to make sure
I don't pick up a rock
2.
one we are the people
Two A Little Bit Louder Now
Three Who Are Going
FOUR TO STOP THIS WAR
There are protestors in white
armed with saxophones, drums,
dance training
Show me what democracy looks like?
THIS IS WHAT DEMOCRACY
LOOKS LIKE
The protesters in white have forgotten
the difference between protest
and performance,
the difference between comrades
and audience.
They will make the evening news.
3.
In New York
ground zero kids tell me
the cop psyop wagon broadcast:
"The march is now over.
Please leave the area
in an orderly fashion."
New York stood in front of the truck,
got a bullhorn
and started shouting
"THE WAR IS NOW OVER.
PLEASE LEAVE IRAQ
IN AN ORDERLY FASHION"
In Chicago,
they are dancing in the streets
to block traffic.
This resistance
will not be joyless.
Outside the Federal Building,
a mobile generator
on a bike-drawn cart,
huge speakers
blare NOT IN MY NAME
a marching band plays War Pigs
the DJs fist is in the air
a Dixieland band plays
Down by the Riverside
and we dance in the street
4.
Yes, remember
Rachel Corrie
killed by a bulldozer
but she put her own body
on the line
using her own privilege,
her own choice. How many
have died with nothing
but their geography to blame?
How many names will we never
hear because they
had brown skin, not white?
Because of lines they
never drew and could not
get outside of? Because
they
are not
ours?
5.
Whose streets?
OUR STREETS.
Whose streets?
6.
The rich restaurateur who is
a San Francisco Supervisor
says, We will prosecute
protestors to the fullest
extent of the law. Write
the legal aid phone number
on your forearm. Listen
for the order to disperse.
Go limp.
Do not fight the cops.
Watch your back.
7.
It is terrifying how quickly
Free Palestine
becomes
End the Occupation
becomes
Kill the Jews
8.
At work, the secretaries
are watching with shock and awe.
I want to know
if there's a body count.
12, they tell me.
Iraqis? Really?
Oh no, they say, sipping coffee,
eating salads, fries.
That's Americans.
That's the only number
we've heard.
That's the only number.
9.
Whose streets?
OUR STREETS!
Whose streets?
Thursday, we shut down the Federal Building.
We shut down Bechtel. We blitzed Halliburton.
We shut down the Bay Bridge.
I say we because I watched it on TV.
I say we because I was there.
I say we as I write this in sunny San Francisco
on a fully loaded computer
smoking multinational corporate cigarettes,
before I eat breakfast,
after I've slept adequately
in a warm house
full of love.
I am waiting for
text messages from the antiwar bloc
to show up on my cell phone.
10.
Lighting candles, signing petitions
blocking intersections, chanting,
walking until my feet are blistered
shouting until my throat is raw
I'm trying so hard to change things
but I cant even get the blood off my hands.
--Daphne Gottlieb, March 23, 2003
by daphne gottlieb, march 23, 2003
to be distributed freely
No Poetry After Auschwitz
said Adorno, but there are still
poems, in a mark of arrogance or hope,
maybe both.
This is not a poem
it is a rock
through a window--
it is a smash
and run--
it is a broken capitalism machine
150 miles
from Baghdad.
The television is on at the law firm.
There is no business as usual.
The building is surrounded by fences
and riot cops
who are fighting the crime
of free speech, free assembly.
Yesterday they dragged a woman by her hair.
Today, last night, three days ago,
the Anarchists covered their faces
hid Molotov cocktails in the bushes.
On our way to the protest, my friend tells me,
I am not covering my face.
It seems its one of the fundamental freedoms left.
I have a bandana in my pocket
just in case.
I am trying to find ways
to stem my own anger,
my body a grenade rolling in the street
teeth clenched, handing out flowers
stolen from the lobby of a law firm
to the motorists we delay, thanking them
for their patience
while the U.S. bombs
the fuck out of another country
it has already starved to death.
I am trying to find reasons not
to smash things. Last night an American soldier
threw three grenades into commanders tents.
They say he acted out of resentment.
I understand resentment
I believe in nonviolence
I stick my hands in my pockets
to make sure
I don't pick up a rock
2.
one we are the people
Two A Little Bit Louder Now
Three Who Are Going
FOUR TO STOP THIS WAR
There are protestors in white
armed with saxophones, drums,
dance training
Show me what democracy looks like?
THIS IS WHAT DEMOCRACY
LOOKS LIKE
The protesters in white have forgotten
the difference between protest
and performance,
the difference between comrades
and audience.
They will make the evening news.
3.
In New York
ground zero kids tell me
the cop psyop wagon broadcast:
"The march is now over.
Please leave the area
in an orderly fashion."
New York stood in front of the truck,
got a bullhorn
and started shouting
"THE WAR IS NOW OVER.
PLEASE LEAVE IRAQ
IN AN ORDERLY FASHION"
In Chicago,
they are dancing in the streets
to block traffic.
This resistance
will not be joyless.
Outside the Federal Building,
a mobile generator
on a bike-drawn cart,
huge speakers
blare NOT IN MY NAME
a marching band plays War Pigs
the DJs fist is in the air
a Dixieland band plays
Down by the Riverside
and we dance in the street
4.
Yes, remember
Rachel Corrie
killed by a bulldozer
but she put her own body
on the line
using her own privilege,
her own choice. How many
have died with nothing
but their geography to blame?
How many names will we never
hear because they
had brown skin, not white?
Because of lines they
never drew and could not
get outside of? Because
they
are not
ours?
5.
Whose streets?
OUR STREETS.
Whose streets?
6.
The rich restaurateur who is
a San Francisco Supervisor
says, We will prosecute
protestors to the fullest
extent of the law. Write
the legal aid phone number
on your forearm. Listen
for the order to disperse.
Go limp.
Do not fight the cops.
Watch your back.
7.
It is terrifying how quickly
Free Palestine
becomes
End the Occupation
becomes
Kill the Jews
8.
At work, the secretaries
are watching with shock and awe.
I want to know
if there's a body count.
12, they tell me.
Iraqis? Really?
Oh no, they say, sipping coffee,
eating salads, fries.
That's Americans.
That's the only number
we've heard.
That's the only number.
9.
Whose streets?
OUR STREETS!
Whose streets?
Thursday, we shut down the Federal Building.
We shut down Bechtel. We blitzed Halliburton.
We shut down the Bay Bridge.
I say we because I watched it on TV.
I say we because I was there.
I say we as I write this in sunny San Francisco
on a fully loaded computer
smoking multinational corporate cigarettes,
before I eat breakfast,
after I've slept adequately
in a warm house
full of love.
I am waiting for
text messages from the antiwar bloc
to show up on my cell phone.
10.
Lighting candles, signing petitions
blocking intersections, chanting,
walking until my feet are blistered
shouting until my throat is raw
I'm trying so hard to change things
but I cant even get the blood off my hands.
--Daphne Gottlieb, March 23, 2003
voice
it sounded over the crowd that night, when you asked "how did you know it was me?" to me it was the way my eyes adjusted to the light. and i remember seeing you walk across the cafe only minutes earlier, not knowing where to order your drink, like me. cafes with table service, heathens like we descend somewhere else. and later on a couch i felt for your arm, touched your hair, and walked the walk. all the while never even considering how one must know how to do the talk. i composed a poem in solidarity, but my language faltered and it came out all wrong. and suddenly it didn't matter how long i walked because i never learnt to do the talk.
it sounded over the crowd that night, when you asked "how did you know it was me?" to me it was the way my eyes adjusted to the light. and i remember seeing you walk across the cafe only minutes earlier, not knowing where to order your drink, like me. cafes with table service, heathens like we descend somewhere else. and later on a couch i felt for your arm, touched your hair, and walked the walk. all the while never even considering how one must know how to do the talk. i composed a poem in solidarity, but my language faltered and it came out all wrong. and suddenly it didn't matter how long i walked because i never learnt to do the talk.
3/30/2003
i am here: one year later
i am here. now present in a series of moments, and i no longer compare other girls to her. and i know she is my biggest supporter. and she talks about safety i know she understands me on a level very few do. and we might have been the couple everyone wanted to see happen, but even though i loved her i couldn't make it happen. i can differentiate between being in love and loving, and i'm still loving her. but i'm here now, i'm present in this moment. i'm loving everything and myself most of all. being over her no longer feels like i'm betraying my heart. i am here, present, at the moment.
i am here. now present in a series of moments, and i no longer compare other girls to her. and i know she is my biggest supporter. and she talks about safety i know she understands me on a level very few do. and we might have been the couple everyone wanted to see happen, but even though i loved her i couldn't make it happen. i can differentiate between being in love and loving, and i'm still loving her. but i'm here now, i'm present in this moment. i'm loving everything and myself most of all. being over her no longer feels like i'm betraying my heart. i am here, present, at the moment.
3/28/2003
i had a funny story i wanted to tell but now i forget. i got a free dinner and dessert from culture shock, along with a very good mixed cd. each song is supposed to represent someone and they chose a sleater-kinney song for me. i have a mixed cd lying around that i made for a girl, i feel weird about giving it to her now due to some unfortunate circumstances. it's not that it's a cutesy "i like you" kind of a cd or anything, just a bunch of really good and really fun songs, it just doesn't feel like the appropriate thing to do anyways.
even though i sometimes got frustrated at culture shock meetings, i really like all those girls. they are all so different and they each bring something very different to the committee and i've gotten something very different out of knowing each of them. it's not often i meet genuinely nice people.
i applied to be a part of the queen's feminist review editoral board next year, part of me thinks i should have just tried for culture shock because i think my heart is more in it. but they say if you don't like something you have to change it, and i think the queen's feminist review can use a new infusion of a different kind of feminist. (a hard ass kind who is not afraid to say when "feminism" is fucked up).
ok, i need to go to sleep. i have a dinner date with ryan tomorrow, you should be jealous. ;)
even though i sometimes got frustrated at culture shock meetings, i really like all those girls. they are all so different and they each bring something very different to the committee and i've gotten something very different out of knowing each of them. it's not often i meet genuinely nice people.
i applied to be a part of the queen's feminist review editoral board next year, part of me thinks i should have just tried for culture shock because i think my heart is more in it. but they say if you don't like something you have to change it, and i think the queen's feminist review can use a new infusion of a different kind of feminist. (a hard ass kind who is not afraid to say when "feminism" is fucked up).
ok, i need to go to sleep. i have a dinner date with ryan tomorrow, you should be jealous. ;)
things have been insane lately. so many bad things and crazy things are happening to people right in front of me. thus far i've escaped serious drama, i suppose i had my share of badness in first term and drama up until just recently. i have a really big paper to write this weekend and i'm a little nervous about it, but i think it will be okay in the end.
between everything that's happening to the people around me and the fact that there is a fucking WAR going on i feel like i'm in a movie and that none of this is really real. but of course it is really real.
i'm just wishing on stars every night that things get better (for everyone everywhere), and doing what i can in the way of real action to help out.
oh, and culture shock got a great review! check it out. it makes me so happy!
between everything that's happening to the people around me and the fact that there is a fucking WAR going on i feel like i'm in a movie and that none of this is really real. but of course it is really real.
i'm just wishing on stars every night that things get better (for everyone everywhere), and doing what i can in the way of real action to help out.
oh, and culture shock got a great review! check it out. it makes me so happy!
3/27/2003
despite my long and stressful days, the days are getting sweeter and dreamier. the weather is getting sunnier and warmer. bad news is counteracted with good news. people who say insensitive and tactless things are totally beat down and overruled by my friends who remind me that i'm good stuff and hold me up high.
i'm listening to liz phair and thinking about getting down to work. i have a lot to get done this weekend, most notably a paper worth 50% of my final mark. whoops.
despite the lack of employment i'm scheming for a way to visit peterborough to see elliot. that will likely be my only trip within the country aside from going to montreal in august where cam is driving and we are staying at nadia's sister's apartment (minimum money required! ding ding.)
i got me some good friends. xo
i'm listening to liz phair and thinking about getting down to work. i have a lot to get done this weekend, most notably a paper worth 50% of my final mark. whoops.
despite the lack of employment i'm scheming for a way to visit peterborough to see elliot. that will likely be my only trip within the country aside from going to montreal in august where cam is driving and we are staying at nadia's sister's apartment (minimum money required! ding ding.)
i got me some good friends. xo
3/25/2003
to cheer me up when i'm sad:
sam said: My friend Teri is always speaking highly of her. Angela is mind-blowingly smart and sweet and open and excuse me for wearing my yellow on my sleeve here but I really appreciate her opinions on race discussions and how she is never, ever a translator. That shit's hard to do!
elliot said: Angela is one of the most amazing people I've ever met. She is so damn smart, has a biting sense of humour, is completely trustworthy, has pretty eyes, gives good hugs, likes decent music, and makes me feel good about myself.
elliot also said: Angela motivates me to do something productive with my anger.
sadie said: omg, i'm fuckin swooning all over the place.
jesuscooks said: I think angela is really badass and also cute.
and
elliot also said:
- You are so fucking badass.
- You continually surprise me with your great taste in music.
- You're a calm writer.
- You're good at helping me with homework.
- You're supportive about everything.
- Your sarcasm makes me smile.
- Above all else, you're a good friend and I trust you.
THIS IS WHY: Y'ALL CAN'T HOLD ME DOWN.
sam said: My friend Teri is always speaking highly of her. Angela is mind-blowingly smart and sweet and open and excuse me for wearing my yellow on my sleeve here but I really appreciate her opinions on race discussions and how she is never, ever a translator. That shit's hard to do!
elliot said: Angela is one of the most amazing people I've ever met. She is so damn smart, has a biting sense of humour, is completely trustworthy, has pretty eyes, gives good hugs, likes decent music, and makes me feel good about myself.
elliot also said: Angela motivates me to do something productive with my anger.
sadie said: omg, i'm fuckin swooning all over the place.
jesuscooks said: I think angela is really badass and also cute.
and
elliot also said:
- You are so fucking badass.
- You continually surprise me with your great taste in music.
- You're a calm writer.
- You're good at helping me with homework.
- You're supportive about everything.
- Your sarcasm makes me smile.
- Above all else, you're a good friend and I trust you.
THIS IS WHY: Y'ALL CAN'T HOLD ME DOWN.
3/24/2003
settle
last summer yvette and i were sitting in her air-conditioned apartment as her dog played around my feet. we had just finished watching "ocean's 11" with george clooney and julia roberts. the line that stuck out the most from that film to me was when clooney's character asks robert's character if her new boyfriend made her laugh. he obviously didn't.
i turned to yvette and asked her if she could ever be with someone who didn't make her laugh, and she kind of chortled in my direction and said, "i couldn't even be friends with someone who didn't make me laugh"...
thinking back to that conversation, it hits home. i couldn't date someone who didn't make me laugh, even though i have tried in the past. i need someone who makes me laugh every day. someone who has my sense of humour. and will laugh at themselves and lets me laugh at myself. someone who can laugh at the bad stuff and the good stuff. i need someone who will not just make me chuckle but someone who will make me laugh so hard that i can't breath and spontaneously fall over. very few people manage to do this for me on a regular basis... but i think the ones who do this for me are the friends who just happen to mean the most to me in other ways, too. like jen, adrienne, nadia, joe, some of the toronto gang... yeah, every girl i consider dating, i will carefully consider this requirement: someone who makes me laugh so hard that i nearly pee my pants.
someone promise to hold me to that?
last summer yvette and i were sitting in her air-conditioned apartment as her dog played around my feet. we had just finished watching "ocean's 11" with george clooney and julia roberts. the line that stuck out the most from that film to me was when clooney's character asks robert's character if her new boyfriend made her laugh. he obviously didn't.
i turned to yvette and asked her if she could ever be with someone who didn't make her laugh, and she kind of chortled in my direction and said, "i couldn't even be friends with someone who didn't make me laugh"...
thinking back to that conversation, it hits home. i couldn't date someone who didn't make me laugh, even though i have tried in the past. i need someone who makes me laugh every day. someone who has my sense of humour. and will laugh at themselves and lets me laugh at myself. someone who can laugh at the bad stuff and the good stuff. i need someone who will not just make me chuckle but someone who will make me laugh so hard that i can't breath and spontaneously fall over. very few people manage to do this for me on a regular basis... but i think the ones who do this for me are the friends who just happen to mean the most to me in other ways, too. like jen, adrienne, nadia, joe, some of the toronto gang... yeah, every girl i consider dating, i will carefully consider this requirement: someone who makes me laugh so hard that i nearly pee my pants.
someone promise to hold me to that?
3/23/2003
record
here you'll find a record of maltreatment and injustice. here in my room of half-filled notebooks and in the newspaper clippings i've collected you'll find a narrative of inequity and injustice witnessed and experienced. i want to be a means to an end. i want this to stand as a record, a collective record of wrongdoing and pain. i want this to be a testament to all the wrong before us. there will be a testament to of all the achievement and change. we will record the progress and leave a legacy of change.
here you'll find a record of maltreatment and injustice. here in my room of half-filled notebooks and in the newspaper clippings i've collected you'll find a narrative of inequity and injustice witnessed and experienced. i want to be a means to an end. i want this to stand as a record, a collective record of wrongdoing and pain. i want this to be a testament to all the wrong before us. there will be a testament to of all the achievement and change. we will record the progress and leave a legacy of change.
happy birthday to me.
3/22/2003
missing
today everything flowed from one event to the next. just as i walked outside my bus waiting and just as i got on there was an open seat in the sweetspot behind the back door. i saw a familiar face on the bus that took me back to high school. i got to the meeting just in time and printed off documents and submitted an application and even though it was mere minutes before the deadline, everything went smoothly. even when i dropped that bottle of woody's in the liquor store and it shattered on the ground, it was smooth. yeah, today was one of those obscenely normal days that belong on tv. today nothing was missing.
today everything flowed from one event to the next. just as i walked outside my bus waiting and just as i got on there was an open seat in the sweetspot behind the back door. i saw a familiar face on the bus that took me back to high school. i got to the meeting just in time and printed off documents and submitted an application and even though it was mere minutes before the deadline, everything went smoothly. even when i dropped that bottle of woody's in the liquor store and it shattered on the ground, it was smooth. yeah, today was one of those obscenely normal days that belong on tv. today nothing was missing.
3/20/2003
your glass will never be empty if you keep remembering to fill it up...
there are certain rules i'm establishing for this weekend which will be strictly enforced:
1. NO DRAMA.
2. everyone must be as outrageous as possible, this may include but is not limited to: gratitous toplessness, obscene amounts of making out, hitting on straight girls, hitting on my straight co-workers, telling off my boss, drinking a lot, grinding with the mostly straight boy who will be visiting from toronto.
3. since i'm the birthday girl i get first dibs on all cute girls. (apparently lisa made a new friend who may accompany us, she's one of the cuties i saw at the movie on sunday and wish i knew).
4. no one may discuss politics until they are nice and drunk.
the end.
there are certain rules i'm establishing for this weekend which will be strictly enforced:
1. NO DRAMA.
2. everyone must be as outrageous as possible, this may include but is not limited to: gratitous toplessness, obscene amounts of making out, hitting on straight girls, hitting on my straight co-workers, telling off my boss, drinking a lot, grinding with the mostly straight boy who will be visiting from toronto.
3. since i'm the birthday girl i get first dibs on all cute girls. (apparently lisa made a new friend who may accompany us, she's one of the cuties i saw at the movie on sunday and wish i knew).
4. no one may discuss politics until they are nice and drunk.
the end.
3/19/2003
war is declared. i don't want to go to sleep, because i don't want to turn on the news and find out what has happened in the several hours i've been asleep. i know people die everyday due to military violence and force, but i think the death toll for this is going to be so huge. and i still can't believe the popular support bush does have from a great many people. holy fucknuts. i still don't believe he is lawfully president.
3/18/2003
last night i was talking to cameron on the phone and i started looking through women-seeking-women personal ads for kingston women. i am not really interested in getting hooked up with someone via the internet. no, i was mostly looking to see if i knew any familiar faces. i wondered if freak #1 had a personal up, i know she has one up somewhere... i just don't know where. i wanted to make out with her last saturday, she is cute and she is a good kisser, even if she totally freaked me out by getting way to serious before we even went on an official date.
this weekend i'm turning 22 and my goal this weekend is simply to be as outrageous as possible. chris is coming from toronto and he will surely get hit on by lots of boys. although i wouldn't mind doing some of my own hitting on him. rather, i think i'm just going to get as drunk as possible. slap as many asses as possible and make out with some cuties.
my lovely housemates are calling me...
this weekend i'm turning 22 and my goal this weekend is simply to be as outrageous as possible. chris is coming from toronto and he will surely get hit on by lots of boys. although i wouldn't mind doing some of my own hitting on him. rather, i think i'm just going to get as drunk as possible. slap as many asses as possible and make out with some cuties.
my lovely housemates are calling me...
3/17/2003
warning... VERY CHEESY
the only thing
the only thing that keeps me real is true genuine love. it's this love that keeps me on top of my game, that keeps me fighting. it's not just the love that i hold in my own heart, but the love i see expressed everyday. it's the love for people in ''lifetime gaurantee'' that warmed my heart and it's the love i see in my housemate's eyes when she tells me she cares that keeps me smiling. it's the possibility i witness in love, the possibility for growth and change. and it's more than the way that i feel, but the way that the world keeps spinning. i do what i do for love. and i think it spins for love.
i feel a special connection to the kind of love that you fight to express (it's the queer in me?) and i feel a special connection to the kind of love you fight to hang onto. it's the way i fight to keep loving my mom everytime she breaks my heart.
the best kind of love is the kind that is returned in large quantities, but you can keep on loving the hater, if it makes your heart stronger. but i love the possibility more than anything else. the possibility that this is not a fickle dream. and that people have the same ability to love each other as much as i do. and that the world has room for endless change.
i breathe for the love i feel for friends who have captured parts of my soul and i keep on keeping on because of the endless possibility in love. the way your heart expands to fit me in and the way my heart doesn't care what my brain says.
it's trite, but it's true... the true revolutionary really is guided by great feelings of love.
the only thing
the only thing that keeps me real is true genuine love. it's this love that keeps me on top of my game, that keeps me fighting. it's not just the love that i hold in my own heart, but the love i see expressed everyday. it's the love for people in ''lifetime gaurantee'' that warmed my heart and it's the love i see in my housemate's eyes when she tells me she cares that keeps me smiling. it's the possibility i witness in love, the possibility for growth and change. and it's more than the way that i feel, but the way that the world keeps spinning. i do what i do for love. and i think it spins for love.
i feel a special connection to the kind of love that you fight to express (it's the queer in me?) and i feel a special connection to the kind of love you fight to hang onto. it's the way i fight to keep loving my mom everytime she breaks my heart.
the best kind of love is the kind that is returned in large quantities, but you can keep on loving the hater, if it makes your heart stronger. but i love the possibility more than anything else. the possibility that this is not a fickle dream. and that people have the same ability to love each other as much as i do. and that the world has room for endless change.
i breathe for the love i feel for friends who have captured parts of my soul and i keep on keeping on because of the endless possibility in love. the way your heart expands to fit me in and the way my heart doesn't care what my brain says.
it's trite, but it's true... the true revolutionary really is guided by great feelings of love.
3/16/2003
dictate
i remember screaming aloud last night at the club, to a song i didn't think i knew the words to. yelling them along with a friend who had my back and thinking about those people who stole little pieces of my heart. no, not tonight. no one could steal anything. but to those who met my eyes and smiled and held my hand and took care of me, to those people i'll give small pieces.
i'm far too complicated for my own good. i may take a lot of work, but to those who have made the effort, they know i'm worth it.
i remember screaming aloud last night at the club, to a song i didn't think i knew the words to. yelling them along with a friend who had my back and thinking about those people who stole little pieces of my heart. no, not tonight. no one could steal anything. but to those who met my eyes and smiled and held my hand and took care of me, to those people i'll give small pieces.
i'm far too complicated for my own good. i may take a lot of work, but to those who have made the effort, they know i'm worth it.
3/15/2003
last night was wonderful and the good mood has carried over to today. i'm all smiles!
i saw kellie who i hadn't seen in a long time! i learnt that two of my friends had crushes on me when they first met me and now they're dating each other! what's up with that? fucking incredible. i danced the night away to bad techno music and i felt the music. it was one of those nights that remind me of 477 back in the day when it was dark and we danced because we didn't fucking care who was watching. dancing for your own amusement is so much more fun than dancing for other people's amusement.
other highlights:
dare: that film could have used an intermission... i'm part of the ADD generation.
i was offered casual sex! but they weren't serious.
krystle and i cut a rug right near the end, she swung me around and i tried to look like i knew what i was doing.
kelli made a return to kingston and she is hotter than she was before... too bad her and her girl are probably still practically married.
dare touched my bum a lot.
i made some half-hearted attempts to flirt with a very cute friend near the end of the night.
today i have to help run a trans issues workshop, and get a lot of work done. A LOT.
i saw kellie who i hadn't seen in a long time! i learnt that two of my friends had crushes on me when they first met me and now they're dating each other! what's up with that? fucking incredible. i danced the night away to bad techno music and i felt the music. it was one of those nights that remind me of 477 back in the day when it was dark and we danced because we didn't fucking care who was watching. dancing for your own amusement is so much more fun than dancing for other people's amusement.
other highlights:
dare: that film could have used an intermission... i'm part of the ADD generation.
i was offered casual sex! but they weren't serious.
krystle and i cut a rug right near the end, she swung me around and i tried to look like i knew what i was doing.
kelli made a return to kingston and she is hotter than she was before... too bad her and her girl are probably still practically married.
dare touched my bum a lot.
i made some half-hearted attempts to flirt with a very cute friend near the end of the night.
today i have to help run a trans issues workshop, and get a lot of work done. A LOT.
3/13/2003
today was supposed to be better. it was supposed to be a low-key morning and two classes. economics is getting more interesting, since now we're talking about game theory and i like this stuff. instead i took a good second look at the card my nonna sent me and i could only focus on the fact that it said "love nonna" instead of "love nonna and nonno"... today was supposed to be better but it hasn't been so far. on the way to class i just wanted to turn around and go home.
i want a vacation. and a magical transponder unit so i can visit all my far away friends for hugs and loving. because i don't even have to ask and i don't have to explain.
i want a vacation. and a magical transponder unit so i can visit all my far away friends for hugs and loving. because i don't even have to ask and i don't have to explain.
3/12/2003
so, joe sometimes gives me good advice.
be myself. be good old ange. don't beat around the bush, (no pun intended). and be forthright and honest and ask the tough questions.
of course, the pun really was intended and from there the entire conversation just about degenerated. but still. it's good. he's right.
be myself. be good old ange. don't beat around the bush, (no pun intended). and be forthright and honest and ask the tough questions.
of course, the pun really was intended and from there the entire conversation just about degenerated. but still. it's good. he's right.
3/11/2003
for the most part sensitivity training on saturday was good... so for the sake of archiving:
* c's favourite line was: "i wish that was true. much to my dismay, there are never queer girls around when you need them." (in response to a comment about dykes liking ani difranco).
* my favourite line (you totally had to be there). when prompted for a stereotype about queers an audience member who was really homo-friendly: "elaborate shoes".... like i said, you totally had to be there.
* me calling an entire room of prospective bosses and gaels homophobic when they laughed at a homophobic joke during our session.
* when i made a comment about how the 5 well-dressed boys in the room probably weren't gay, one jumped to say "yeah, i'm not!" as quickly as possible. i said something along the lines of "oh watch out, no need to protect your heterosexuality quite so ardently. we wouldn't want anyone thinking you could be gay..."
* me: "as far as homophobia goes, the crowning moment was being chased out of a restaurant in orangeville by a man waving a stick and calling us fags." (as the audience looks on horrorfied). "first, couldn't he get his homophobic slurs right? i'm a dyke, not a fag!" (as they begin to laugh). "and second, WHO CHASES SOMEONE WITH A STICK?" (now they're laughing their asses off....)
* oh, i wish i could be a stand-up comedian.
* c's favourite line was: "i wish that was true. much to my dismay, there are never queer girls around when you need them." (in response to a comment about dykes liking ani difranco).
* my favourite line (you totally had to be there). when prompted for a stereotype about queers an audience member who was really homo-friendly: "elaborate shoes".... like i said, you totally had to be there.
* me calling an entire room of prospective bosses and gaels homophobic when they laughed at a homophobic joke during our session.
* when i made a comment about how the 5 well-dressed boys in the room probably weren't gay, one jumped to say "yeah, i'm not!" as quickly as possible. i said something along the lines of "oh watch out, no need to protect your heterosexuality quite so ardently. we wouldn't want anyone thinking you could be gay..."
* me: "as far as homophobia goes, the crowning moment was being chased out of a restaurant in orangeville by a man waving a stick and calling us fags." (as the audience looks on horrorfied). "first, couldn't he get his homophobic slurs right? i'm a dyke, not a fag!" (as they begin to laugh). "and second, WHO CHASES SOMEONE WITH A STICK?" (now they're laughing their asses off....)
* oh, i wish i could be a stand-up comedian.
i lied, i will not be using the article by the republican. as i continued to read the entire thing very closely i realized just how racist and gross it is. i spoke too soon.
my head is foggy. i'm getting sick again. i'm baking a pumpkin pie while i try to write an essay. if i was vacuuming and cleaning my ridiculously dirty room you could call me holly homemaker, but i'm not. so you can't.
i have to work this afternoon and i really don't want to since i'm feeling sick and all. in better news, i had my evaluation last night and they have nothing but good things to say about me. i'm apparently the ideal worker. good for me. just call me princess of the publishing n' copy shop.
my head is foggy. i'm getting sick again. i'm baking a pumpkin pie while i try to write an essay. if i was vacuuming and cleaning my ridiculously dirty room you could call me holly homemaker, but i'm not. so you can't.
i have to work this afternoon and i really don't want to since i'm feeling sick and all. in better news, i had my evaluation last night and they have nothing but good things to say about me. i'm apparently the ideal worker. good for me. just call me princess of the publishing n' copy shop.
3/10/2003
* i think i might be getting sick again. this is a very bad thing. i feel like i've been sick since i got back from school. i have been taking care of myself since i've been healthy and everything.
* i had been planning on taking a walk and dropping something off at kiley's, but i was foiled by the ice and the cold and the idea that i might be getting sick again.
* there was some idiot who is an orientation leader for first years who we are trying to get fired. he plans to suggest aversion therapy as a possible resource for queer people. how in the fuck did he get this job? they don't want to fire him, but baby this is going on the front page of the university newspaper and he will lost this job.
* i'm writing a paper on the erosion of constitutional rights after 9-11. it's tough-going, but would you believe i found a paper written by a republican denouncing the police state. i don't agree with all of his reasoning, but i'm using his damn article anyways.
* my stomach has been in knots lately. i'm thinking too much about a certain situation and i think this is contributing to me getting sick.
* i keep forgetting to call my parents. very bad. i also keep forgetting to send them my T4 slips. oops, very bad for tax season.
* i had been planning on taking a walk and dropping something off at kiley's, but i was foiled by the ice and the cold and the idea that i might be getting sick again.
* there was some idiot who is an orientation leader for first years who we are trying to get fired. he plans to suggest aversion therapy as a possible resource for queer people. how in the fuck did he get this job? they don't want to fire him, but baby this is going on the front page of the university newspaper and he will lost this job.
* i'm writing a paper on the erosion of constitutional rights after 9-11. it's tough-going, but would you believe i found a paper written by a republican denouncing the police state. i don't agree with all of his reasoning, but i'm using his damn article anyways.
* my stomach has been in knots lately. i'm thinking too much about a certain situation and i think this is contributing to me getting sick.
* i keep forgetting to call my parents. very bad. i also keep forgetting to send them my T4 slips. oops, very bad for tax season.
3/09/2003
i'm not used to feeling comfortable and while my mind relishes it, it's almost like my body rejects it. its a gut instinct that i've suffered after those who have abused my trust and my body. it isn't often that i feel like damaged goods, but sometimes i guess i do. some people make me want to be better at this. i feel like i'm in this trap where i can't be open and honest because i'll ruin an image i wasn't even bothering to cultivate. i realize that certain things will not come out in the wash and i have to be deliberate. i can't expect anyone to understand what i mean by xyz until i explain, because i am a master of euphemisms even if i can't spell it. i think that by pretending to be fine and not depressed and well-adjusted that i appear more damaged than i would if i was just upfront about what it is that's going on in my head and in my past and that it's not going away.
it takes constant reminding, but i do have good friends. i just have to keep remembering.
p.s. i haven't been able to have a full night's sleep without taking nyquil pills in weeks. but man, that is some good shit when i'm exhausted.
it takes constant reminding, but i do have good friends. i just have to keep remembering.
p.s. i haven't been able to have a full night's sleep without taking nyquil pills in weeks. but man, that is some good shit when i'm exhausted.
i'm too political. and i have a reputation.
why bother?
why bother?
3/08/2003
i'm not a pacifist. but i am anti-war.
i wonder if anyone actually reads this thing. if you do and you're feeling charitable drop me an email. i doubt anyone does, my 180 visitors are probably all one-timers who ended up here by accident. or i dunno, maybe not?
so, my life is out of control busy. i feel like i'm spiraling and i don't know what i should be doing to slow things down. i spent last night with a friend of mine and it was so nice to just chillax and drink rum and coke and i lied on his bed and closed my eyes for a few minutes while he had a conversation in korean with someone from back home. i wonder how i got wrapped up in activism and education sometimes. mostly it's fulfilling but it's really starting to drain me and a lot of the time it doesn't feel thankful anymore. just lying on cam's bed or getting an impromptu lunch with a classmate-friend after lecture or watching a movie cuddling. i think that's what this is supposed to be all about. i mean that and my schoolwork which i don't mind, but there just never seems to be time to do it.
in other news:
1. i'm often not sure if i read too much into situations, especially ones that include girls. i just need to stop thinking so much, i think.
2. i am going to italy for almost three weeks in june-july. everyone is mad that i'm going to miss pride weekend. i'm a little mad, too.
3. i'm writing a paper about the usa's state response to 9-11 terrorism and focussing on restrictions of civil liberties and increased cooperation made possible by the department of homeland security. i will try to find a way to reach a conclusion that the first mode of fighting terrorism (limiting liberty and freedom) will not work and is harmful and that the latter mode is ineffective in it's current form
so, my life is out of control busy. i feel like i'm spiraling and i don't know what i should be doing to slow things down. i spent last night with a friend of mine and it was so nice to just chillax and drink rum and coke and i lied on his bed and closed my eyes for a few minutes while he had a conversation in korean with someone from back home. i wonder how i got wrapped up in activism and education sometimes. mostly it's fulfilling but it's really starting to drain me and a lot of the time it doesn't feel thankful anymore. just lying on cam's bed or getting an impromptu lunch with a classmate-friend after lecture or watching a movie cuddling. i think that's what this is supposed to be all about. i mean that and my schoolwork which i don't mind, but there just never seems to be time to do it.
in other news:
1. i'm often not sure if i read too much into situations, especially ones that include girls. i just need to stop thinking so much, i think.
2. i am going to italy for almost three weeks in june-july. everyone is mad that i'm going to miss pride weekend. i'm a little mad, too.
3. i'm writing a paper about the usa's state response to 9-11 terrorism and focussing on restrictions of civil liberties and increased cooperation made possible by the department of homeland security. i will try to find a way to reach a conclusion that the first mode of fighting terrorism (limiting liberty and freedom) will not work and is harmful and that the latter mode is ineffective in it's current form
3/06/2003
i am drinking bailey's in a blue plastic cup and contemplating sleep. i have learned to appreciate sleep more and i get older and more tired. i found a literary journal at the library today while i was looking for sources for one of my papers... it's called the iowa review or iowa quarterly and i'm not sure why it jumped out at me. but as i opened up and flipped through the pages i had the idea that this looked like the kind of publication that might want to publish something i've written. i didn't even have time to read it over, i wanted to go home and make some dinner. i went grocery shopping the other day so i have real fresh food instead of just frozen stuff. i'm all about fresh bagels and cottage cheese and bananas that haven't even begun to turn brown yet. i don't have class until 10 tomorrow but i think i want to go the library before that to do some studying or reading... we'll see if i actually get my ass out of bed to do that. by the way, i think it should be said. i really do enjoy working at the copy shop. i never thought i'd say it.
frame:
i lied down gingerly on your bed while my spun and i would like to say it was the way you stood there framed in the door, but no, it was the alcohol and the feeling of freedom and the way i always thought about you when i was horny and drunk. i don't know if i ever had any real feelings for you, but you were there, ever present. a handy memory to be called upon. and you stared at me from you spot and when you grinned your sly grin, like you thought you were getting into my pants tonight i smiled the smile of someone comfortably drunk and sleep and closed my eyes. you sighed loudly, and, my eyes, they fluttered slightly just as you turned away, and i never got the chance to see your backside in your doorframe.
i lied down gingerly on your bed while my spun and i would like to say it was the way you stood there framed in the door, but no, it was the alcohol and the feeling of freedom and the way i always thought about you when i was horny and drunk. i don't know if i ever had any real feelings for you, but you were there, ever present. a handy memory to be called upon. and you stared at me from you spot and when you grinned your sly grin, like you thought you were getting into my pants tonight i smiled the smile of someone comfortably drunk and sleep and closed my eyes. you sighed loudly, and, my eyes, they fluttered slightly just as you turned away, and i never got the chance to see your backside in your doorframe.
3/04/2003
yesterday
i contemplated the possibilities and it's true that i don't believe that genuine love for someone ever really goes away. no, i'm certain that genuine love stays with you forever. instead, we make our hearts bigger. and reconcile our illusions of love with our less flexible mind. our mind might think it can, but our heart knows it can't. it can't forget yesterday.
i contemplated the possibilities and it's true that i don't believe that genuine love for someone ever really goes away. no, i'm certain that genuine love stays with you forever. instead, we make our hearts bigger. and reconcile our illusions of love with our less flexible mind. our mind might think it can, but our heart knows it can't. it can't forget yesterday.
3/03/2003
vapor
the smell of the smoke hung in the air as we sat outside on her porch. it doesn't take two people to extinguish a barbeque but i went with her anyways. we sat drenched in our own silence and i contemplated the next thirty seconds. i had about that long to act before we'd be lost in small talk or standing up to join the party inside. i let the time elapse and the night air surrounded me. all i really want tonight is someone to sit on a porch with and say nothing to.
the smell of the smoke hung in the air as we sat outside on her porch. it doesn't take two people to extinguish a barbeque but i went with her anyways. we sat drenched in our own silence and i contemplated the next thirty seconds. i had about that long to act before we'd be lost in small talk or standing up to join the party inside. i let the time elapse and the night air surrounded me. all i really want tonight is someone to sit on a porch with and say nothing to.
today i had some plans cancelled which put a bit of a damper on my spirit, which has been waning lately, but it is probably for the best. i've been getting strange vibes from said person and i'm worried that i've done something wrong... i shouldn't dwell on things.
i am lucky for a number of reasons, however the ones that top my list are my friends. jen and i have plans on friday night. and it will involve cheap daiquri's and i have plans coming up with cam and some other sweet kids. and my entire house is staying in kingston for the summer! and so are joe and cam! i'm really happy about this. i've never been so happy to spend months sweating in a house without air conditioning. because you know it's all about the porch parties and beer drinking and bugging emily in her air conditioned office while i design posters and newspaper ads for $10/hour.
i am lucky for a number of reasons, however the ones that top my list are my friends. jen and i have plans on friday night. and it will involve cheap daiquri's and i have plans coming up with cam and some other sweet kids. and my entire house is staying in kingston for the summer! and so are joe and cam! i'm really happy about this. i've never been so happy to spend months sweating in a house without air conditioning. because you know it's all about the porch parties and beer drinking and bugging emily in her air conditioned office while i design posters and newspaper ads for $10/hour.
3/02/2003
i can't concentrate anymore. i think that academia is not what i'm cut out for. i think that after the next set of sensitivity talks i'm going to resign from equip and if things go even a little strange tonight at culture shock i might resign. i don't have the time or the ability to concentrate on so many things, and i've been feeling very frantic in this manner for a while. i have so many things on my mind that today when i was working on the workshop i promised to give to employment services in kingston that i couldn't concentrate.
i want to spend more time with my friends without feeling guilty about it. i want to spend more time writing. this summer i am staying in kingston to take a class (or two) and i plan on working a minimal amount of the time and not doing any volunteer stuff. then i get to go on a three week trip to far off places where i will meet strangers who share my genes and look like me. when i get back, i'm going back to kingston to work part time (assuming they hire me on as a designer again and they really have no reason not to).
ok. i think i'm losing my mind. i'm going to take a walk and finish my economics assignment and get a bagel. then i will go to my two meetings. the end.
i want to spend more time with my friends without feeling guilty about it. i want to spend more time writing. this summer i am staying in kingston to take a class (or two) and i plan on working a minimal amount of the time and not doing any volunteer stuff. then i get to go on a three week trip to far off places where i will meet strangers who share my genes and look like me. when i get back, i'm going back to kingston to work part time (assuming they hire me on as a designer again and they really have no reason not to).
ok. i think i'm losing my mind. i'm going to take a walk and finish my economics assignment and get a bagel. then i will go to my two meetings. the end.
3/01/2003
i've been feeling pretty ill at ease lately in body and mind. and today my body hurts. it hurts like i'm about to start bleeding and the timing is all wrong, i just finished last week. i have this feeling that something is going to go very wrong, very soon. i don't like it.
