her body is a difficult sister...

this blogger thing has been pissing me off long enough, check out my new improved blog on my domain name. bookmark the domain: difficultsister.net and check it often. i will be posting more frequently. xoxo

i am easily captivated by thrilling novels of international intrigue or crime fighting underdog defeats the bad guy. i try to ignore the underlying conventional morals of good overcoming evil, because really i have enough conventionality in my life. i just read robert ludlum's sigma protocol in well under 48 hours. i like to think, during those moments when my imagination finally ranks the stifling sense of rationality that has been planted in my brain, that i could be a secret agent. that i can crack safe codes and charm the pants off of international male operatives and in the end still "get the girl." lately my rationality is facing a losing battle against my over-active imagination, which is both comforting and slightly startling; overall it's welcome.

a friend has recently been offered a book deal, another recently finished the work necessary in the editting of an anthology, and another friend is working on his second manuscript. i thought all the extra time i have in brampton (being unemployed and all) would actually mean i would write more. but as of yet, no. maybe i'm not disciplined enough. maybe i don't want it. maybe i just don't have it. i'm not even in the realm of hoping for real editors to look at anything like a complete manuscript, but it would be nice if one of my poems or short stories got published somewhere. i refuse to publish things on my website until they've been published elsewhere (i have my silly reasons), and i really want to share more with you all.

xoxo

today was a ho-hum kind of day, but tomorrow is going to be a day of fun-times with courtney, and we are being met by nadia and dare later on. and who knows who else!? it will be an exciting day, filled with exciting things. and hopefully a little action, it's about time someone cut a girl a break.

i'm amazed everyday by small things that i find poetic and beautiful. it's a little funny, in the kind of way that i think i must be channelling mrs dalloway or something. yet i haven't been able to write anything of substance. maybe tomorrow in toronto will help me with that.

xoxo

i'm back on the continent.

"You play, you win, you play, you lose. You play."

i'm feeling very "i want this to be over, right now." but it will be soon, one exam will be done tomorrow. than another on thursday. and i leave the country in FOUR DAYS!! i can't believe this snuck up on me so quickly. wow. i'm trying to squeeze as much into the next little while as i can... alas TWO exams. boo. but on a better note, ITALY HERE I COME!

until next time punks...

it was the echoing voices of the old ones
through thick steel forests and over scorched earth
always just out of reach a murder of crows judged my every footstep.
my bones were frozen
penniless and entirely out of breath, i washed my hands
in the black market dog water trough.
but through it all the real stick in my spokes was the torment of my dreams.
i fought off sleep with both hands and sometimes fire
with little more than a blowgun made from an exhausted pen,
i shot the stars out of the sky.
when each one fell sparkling to the ground, i made wishes that never came true.
apparitions of angels with angry eyes appeared in each new moon
my own ghost began whispering and the trees died if i tried to climb them.
the decision was made for me to begin interpreting real life
just as i would nightmares.
square 1, buck 65

today was like pride-day, or something

classes ended on thursday, i have an exam on wednesday and one on thursday. i need to get a hair cut. i didn't go to the pride parade today and i didn't even really feel bad about it... i think i'm too young to be as cynical as i am. i decided i rather do homework, and i actually did homework. how boring am i? yeah, pretty boring.

i sat out in the sun today while studying english. i rolled up my t-shirt sleeves so i could get a more even tan. i'm waiting for joseph to call me.

i haven't had much to say lately, but here is some list action instead.

of note, lately:
* gays, lesbians, and other homos are getting married!! even here in kingston!! rock!!
* i'm on "the pill," those who know me know why this is hilarious.
* I LEAVE CANADA 7 DAYS!
* i leave kingston in 6.
* two crushes have solidified without either of them being here, things just clicked in my brain suddenly. (but neither of them live here. FUCK KINGSTON.)
* ITALY HERE I COME.

things i want:
* one of my serious crushes to be reciprocated.
* some make out action (not necessarily with the crush peeps).
* 500 pages of my accounting knowledge to instantly appear in my brain.
* my kingston girls to be here tonight to party it up right.
* to not have this school garbage lying so heavily on my brain so my inspiration can flow freer.
* to have a car so i could visit someone. <3

books i have purchased/received but not yet read (andand will read SOON):
* the hours, michael cunninghan
* cool for you, eileen myles
* monday or tuesday, woolf
* life of pi, yann martel
* such a long journey, rohinton mistry
* another place not here, dionne brand
* the passion, jeanette winterson
* the rest of the short stories in the dubliners.
(i am such a bookworm, i am so happy i will have time to read!)

sorry to those i owe email to, i'm working on it.

same sex marriage in ontario (and the rest of canada)

another court (ontario court of appeals) has ruled that barring same sex marriages is unconstitutional. the federal government has until june 30 to challenge the ruling and if they don't the current law becomes invalid and it must be re-written! so same-sex marriage isn't legal yet, but this is another step in that direction. to be honest, reading these articles kind of feels like deja-vu, i remember feeling happy and hopeful last year when another ontario court made a similar ruling (right around the time the "coward" letter i wrote got published in the star).

anyways, for those of you interested...
here's an article from the toronto star
and one from 365gay.com

consider writing to your MPs and the Attorney-General and the leader of whatever party you support (if you do):
find your MP using your postal code here
and write to the attorney general

i haven't written a letter yet, but i can send anyone who wants one a sample of what i wrote last year (same time) and/or an updated letter when i get to writing it tonight. right now i have class.

it's very convenient that this is happening in june (aka pride month) keep your eyes out for announcements of actions and letter writing in your area.

i have been chastized for not updating this three times today alone, but really not much has been going on here. school is keeping me busy. tomorrow i'm going out to the farmers market for the first time this year and then for some coffee. i'll spend the rest of the day working hard on accounting. and start analyzing the annual report. i have a night out planned for saturday (tomorrow... today?). i was overwhelmed by straightness yesterday and kept admiring all the girls who might be dykes... but like "they might be giants" are not real giants... well you get the picture. it was a good night, fun but kind of ho-hum. sunday is dedicating to reading for english and recovering from saturday night.

one of my stories got rejected from blithe house quarterly. i may re-submit the story elsewhere after some more work on it. i'm undecided at this point. although, i was accepted into the writer's pool at technodyke.com. so that's an interesting development, and if i do some good work there (i can, i will). i can confidently ask for a more demanding responsibility there.

so. in other news... wait, there isn't any news. i think courtney is the only person who reads this other than my housemate so i'll give a special shout-out. HELLO COURTNEY! get some random makeout action for me. a'ight?

so, i'm bored. and i know i'm boring you. so to spice things up and make up for my lack of self-reflective posting... i hope you will accept these photos in lieu of me being interesting. i was attempting to model some pussy pucker pot lip balm. yes, model lip balm. it basically consisted of me attempting to pucker up without laughing too hard.

hm, so i seemed to ruin the template i had here before. really it was just a modified version of one of the other templates on here. but it was just how i wanted it. i don't feel like doing any work on it right now since i'm planning on hosting this on my site soon and using something greymatter instead of blogger. note to those reading this, blogger's service has gotten terrible for free users. and i hear it's not that much better for the paid ones.

in other news, i updated part of my website, so you can check that out if you're bored. check it out here.

that's all. i need to eat. then work on accounting (my professor loves me, which i find hilarious). and then be amazed by elizabeth smart. xo

so, i haven't had much of substance to say lately. i'm supposed to be working on an accounting summary. i feel like in some ways i'm doing more than my share of the work, but funny, i don't care as long as it gets done and we get a good mark. plus, i figure doing all this work right now maybe entitles to me to some extra slacking off down the road?

i went to visit my parents and my brother this weekend. i didn't see any of my friends, but i didn't mind much because i had my mind set on hanging out with my family and getting a lot of work done. i think i did both adequately well. i won't see them again until the end of june. i actually miss them more now that i'm in third year, than i did when i was in first year. moving home no longer seems like such a terrible thing. it also helps that they have mellowed out over the years.

i started writing a new story the other day, and i have gotten a bright idea for how to fix an existing story. i was really happy to be home, but i was feeling kind of down all weekend. just one of those funks, i think.

more substantial entries coming soon. i hope.

these streets will always remind me...

i took the long way home from the coffee shop i spent two hours in this morning. solitary with text books, my mind raced as i walked up princess instead of down clergy. i passed the used cd store i spent hours in with a loved girl once. i remembered a day spent exploring the city with laura before i became a student here, i couldn't remember where that basement apartment was but i remember what it looked like. i remember an afternoon spent studying in a park and entire afternoons spent at the goat with some of my best friends.

i bought some pepsi and a lottery ticket, because i'm feeling lucky. i walked south on frontenac instead of north and didn't look behind me once. the park was beautiful and now i wish i had sat there for some time, but i moved through it slowly. watching people play tennis and a child running ahead of his mother; they were all laughing.

i avoided walking down union today. i don't have any fond memories on union, union reminds me of good-byes. it reminds me running home at 5AM down the yellow line, not seeing a single car and feeling washed up. it reminds me of the time i held jen's hand while she sobbed, and i remember the times when i walked home crying without anyone to hold my hand. no, i suppose it's not all bad. learning to hold your head up and forcing yourself to trudge on when all you want to do is sit down on the curb and let it all go. and then coming home to a friend who will wake up in the middle of the night to give you a hug. but still, there is a reason why i like taking the long way home.

as time goes by, my memories taste sweeter. i thought about my first girl-love and turned down her street without even realizing it (i swear) and it wasn't until i passed her colourful porch that i realized it. i saw a barbeque next door that looked nothing like hers, but it reminded me of a summer day spent on her porch before i let things got out of control. i recalled the spot where we used to meet half way, and i remember the day i ran all the way over there and threw my arms around her neck. i remember that day because i was conscious of the fact that it no longer weighed heavily on my mind. yes, i realized that day that i was over it. even if i still loved her.

i have so much love in my heart, and sometimes i don't know what to do with it. but i think i could go on like this forever. i rode my bike in another part town yesterday afternoon and i thought about the more recent fond memories, down william, by a big yellow apartment building, up brock, across earl... reminders of a tough, but very fulfilling year.

there need to be more walks around the neighborhood and more suprise visits and more late night walks spent holding hands (with friends as well as lovers). no matter how bitter the memory seemed at the time, i recognize the love in that hug she gave me on my front porch even though she hurt me. sometimess i can't believe where i am and how things have turned out okay.

boring

got my marks back, passed microeconomics with a 69% (i am very relieved). 86% in environmental economics and assessment. 76% in american government (boo, i should have done better). and 81% in the united nations and international organization class i took. overall, not too shabby. however, it's still a little disappointing. i need to raise both my politics and economics averages, they aren't that good overall, even though there are some impressive marks peppered through there.

< rant > you all know i'm absolutely brilliant and a hard worker, why oh why do i feel trapped into mere adequacy? < / rant >

the weather is beautiful. i had to leave my house to get blood taken this morning (ew). but! afterwards i rode my bike to the politics department and then rode around the city. i met a friend at the goat and then stopped off at food basics to purchase some gnooki (yum). i got a fair bit of work done before i got sucked into TV for the evening. it was pretty terrible, if i do say so myself. included in my television fanfare was a news program called "confrontation @ concordia" and it made me feel like vomitting. f'real.

this weekend is going to be great fun. i only wish that some of my favourite party-people would be in town... alas, i think adrienne, joe, emily, and i will have to more than make up for their absence. woo.

this is important:
10 Reasons To Oppose Us Militarization Of Aid And Reconstruction In Iraq

further explanation is available at the above link, but these were three BIG and GOOD reasons.
1) When Aid is linked to military force, food and water are turned into weapons.
4) Militarization of Aid threatens women and their children.
7) The US is "reconstructing" Iraq in ways that will benefit US based corporations and endanger the majority of Iraqis.

please read it.

where does it begin...

it's 11:30 and i'm trying to think of things to say, nothing is coming. i'm enjoying my english class a lot. the professor managed to grate on me a little bit in my first class, but he's damned funny and that's making up for it. while the professor of my other class has moved beyond grating on my nerves, to pissing me the fuck off, and he's patently NOT funny.

my life is all about school for the next little while. i need to catch up on this first week of readings and get ahead so that next week i can take a break and not stress as much. this weekend/next week i am going to write my first english essay in four years, and i think it's going to be about homoeroticism in henry james' "lessons of the master." yeah, my weekend is pretty much booked with school work... and i hope to add a good helping of bike riding and hanging out with adrienne and joe. woo hoo!

i've decided to cut back drastically on drinking. i haven't been feeling 100% lately and i have been eating healthier, i figure why cancel out my other "good habits" with my bad ones. i'm a fairly good eater anyways but the other day i stocked up on even healthier foods (hummus, whole wheat pitas, apples, bananas, cottage cheese, carrots, spinach, etc.) things that my vegetarian body needs. i don't mean eating less, i mean eating healthier. please note the difference. i managed to lose 5 pounds in a month without trying and while most girls i know would be estactic about it, i think it was actually because i wasn't taking good enough care of myself. i don't have plans to try to put the weight back on, but i will be eating more regularily (no skipping meals) and combine that with more working out. i brought my free weights back to kingston with me (along with my old bike) this is very exciting indeed.

oh, and i got a guestbook. hint.

memory games and manufactured truths,
the stories i tell are exercises in forgetting
and the punch lines get blurrier each time.

i had my first english class today, the first since high school. we're reading "modern fiction" and my professor reminds me of how an actor on television plays an english professor. he's articulate, has a slight air of pretention, but he has still managed to charm the pants off most of the class. almost everyone in that class will love him, but a few people will absolutely despise him. i like him a lot thus far, i think after a while he will burn on my nerves. especially since i have 12 hours a week with this guy, monday to thursday for 3 hours at a time. and he's making us read an ungodly amount of books and short stories in a mere six weeks. 7 full books and an extra kit i just purchased full of short stories. IN 6 WEEKS! it would be easier if i wasn't also enrolled in a commerce course. thus far THAT course is easy, the first week is all reviewing stuff i did in high school. but i know that it is going to get intense rather fast. a whole accounting textbook (minus a couple chapters) IN 6 WEEKS!

oh, and get this: a silly girl is spreading rumours about the fact that i (or rather "those people from equip", being joe and myself) have physically pushed her around. HELL NO. i haven't even brushed against this girl accidentally in the hallway or on the street. this is strikingly similar to the last time i was accused of being "violent" and "aggressive" and "threatening" by someone i had called out for being homophobic. when you don't have reason or truth on your side, the next best thing is to play on people's stereotypes of queers. except she played this stereotype to my HOUSEMATE without being aware that we lived together.

this makes me glad that i mostly believe in karma.

happy may day!

here is a brief history of may day, to those of you who were unenlightened (much like myself until i started searching this afternoon), may day did not start as a labour holiday, rather it has its roots in pagan traditions... there are tonnes of links and info on this page, too. i'm right, you do learn something new everyday.

so, i haven't been updating lately. i haven't had much to say. life in brampton is much more jam packed with outings and events, but possibly less interesting. maybe they just seem less interesting when i'm faced with the prospect of sitting in our cold basement writing about them, rather than being upstairs where it is warm talking to my brother, reading good books, or eve *gasp* watching one of the 300+ channels my parents get on TV. (i've actually watched surprisingly little TV... i've even amazed myself).

since i've been here, i've done a lot. i've had dinner with my uncle and his boyfriend, i've visited my nonna, i spent an evening with a very important girl in my history, i bounced around town with a bunch of different friends, i spent some time with sabrina and her boyfriend. i had a crazy evening with my little brother and his friends drinking and dancing at a brampton bar (you should all realize how sketchy these bars occasionally are, but fortunately i think we found the one non-sketchy bar in the city). i even went shopping with my mother! i haven't been reading as much or bicyling as much as was my original plan, but i have managed to do enough of each to keep me sane. and i still have a few more days here. i'm hanging out with michelle tonight, and dancing more on friday evening with my brother and his friends. and hopefully going out to dinner with my fam sometime around there, too. my dad chooses good restaurants and of course, always picks up the tab.

i am in love with our spring weather, it feels like i've been waiting long enough for it. 'till next time...

i will update more substantially sooner or later. and when i get back to kingston i will make this page and my website look prettier. i'm drinking smirnoff ice and wondering how much money i can possibly make off pysch experiments this summer.

ok, i'm bored and i got this idea from jimmy, and i felt like posting it... i'm not really feeling emo, these are just some of my favourite songs.

1. Are you a boy or girl?:

"As for me, I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone making out."
(dashboard confessional)

2. Describe yourself:

i don't write for your sympathy.
(skarlet o'hara, fill me up)

3. How do some people feel about you?

"It better work out
I hope it works out my way
'Cause it's getting kind of quiet in my city's head
Takes a teen age riot to get me out of bed right now"
(sonic youth, teenage riot)

4. How do you feel about yourself?:

"Maybe I'm just too demanding,
Maybe I'm just like my father too bold.
Maybe you're just like my mother,
She's never satisfied (She's never satisfied)"
(prince, when doves cry)

5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest:

"she says she talks to the spirits
I wonder if she can talk to herself?
If she can bear to hear it?"
(sonic youth, eric's trip)

6. Where would you rather be?:

"Where a small knife tears out those sloppy seams, and the silence knows what you silence means, and your metaphors (as mixed as you can make them) are linked, like days, together. (...) And I love this place; the enormous sky, and the faces, hands that I'm haunted by, so why can't I forgive these buildings, these frameworks labeled "Home"?
(the weakerthans, this is a fire door never leave open)

7. Describe what you want to be:

"I am your pamphleteer."
(the weakerthans, pamphleteer)

8. Describe how you live:

Everything is everything
What is meant to be, will be
After winter, must come spring
Change, it comes eventually.
(lauryn hill, everything is everything)

9. Describe how you love:

"Get clobbered on by courtesy, in love with love, and lousy poetry. And I'm leaning on a broken fence between Past and Present tense. And I'm losing all these stupid games that I swore I'd never play. And it almost feels okay."
(the weakerthans, aside)

"i veered in circles to get off your path,
i tried to warn you,
this would be the kiss that counted."
(catie curtis, the kiss that counted)

10. Share a few words of wisdom:

"I'd like to actively encourage the toughest man to dance as hard as he can to this, my song. And bring your stupidest friends along. We wrote this song because it's fucking boring to keep spelling out the words that you keep ignoring. And your mscho shit won't phase me now. It just makes us laugh, we got your cash, court-jester take a bow. Because did you know that when I was nine, I tried to fuck a friend of mine? HE was 8, then I turned 10. 14 years later it happened again (with another friend). This time me on the receiving end. And all the fists in the world can't save you now. Cuz if you dance to this, then you drink to me and my sexuality. With your hands down my pants by transitive property."
(propagahndi, less talk, more rock)

etc., just because i can:
"Her body is a difficult sister, and she loves her, and hides her somewhere in herself safe from harm. Her night shift is over, she's writing you a postcard to say that she's okay and it's raining there again. My fury's rising faster than bus-fares. Could someone clarify why there's no structured narrative? no neat story-line to explain? Wish on everything. Pray that she remains proud and strange and so hopelessly hopeful."
(the weakerthans, exiles among you)

it's a beautiful spring day. warm enough to wear just my hoody, and i love it. i slept in very late. and dammit. i like that. i spent the afternoon talking to my mom, visiting sabrina at work, taking a walk around ching park and sitting on a bench to watch some ducks and drink some coke.

i'm home and i stood outside talking to my next door neighbour who i ignore when i come home late at night, because he's always out there drinking with his friends and i'm always alone. and i may be bob's sister, but i'm still alone and it's dark and i'm just the rude little nusiance whose hair keeps getting shorter and who comes home every few months and borrows the car. and i am not scared of my neighbour, not at all. but i'm a little fearful in general when dusk hits. i talked up t's girlfriend and she is one of those girls who is just genuine and nice. it makes me happy to be hanging out with them tonight.

i feel better about life in brampton and about my parents. and i was talking to my mom about maybe moving back home after i graduate just for a few months until i find a job and apartment and find a life. or i can hope that adrienne will need a roommate, because she is scoring a sweet ass apartment and in 12 months her first roommate will be moving out. and i can move into little italy and practice my italian in bakeries and life with someone who i consider one of my best friends.

it's tough, to think back to some of the people i used to spend all my time with. i haven't seen them in ages. chances are i won't see them tonight, they were never the party animal types and even if they were they are either too snobby to go to this bar or too scared because they would surely get their asses kicked just for showing up.

and i wonder what it says about me that i don't care for most of them anymore. was i really only hanging out with them because they were convenient and i was lonely? i don't like to think that's the case. but here i am, 30 pounds lighter, out of the closet, 3 years later, and indepedent, and i'm not scared of going. i have no fears here. and they do. i moved on with my life, and they are still running in the same little circles and dating all of the same people. they would laugh at me if they knew i was goign to jack's with my brother and his friends and that i was going to wear tight jeans and a red tank top that shows off my cleavage.

but i don't have anything to say to them. i want to run into the kids from high school who i was friendly with but never got a chance to know. i want to meet my brother's friends and see how he operates with the little girlies. i am going with some fun kids who i used to chauffer around when i was 16 and who used to ride their bikes over here before they grew up and got jobs and bought cars. these "kids" are going to be making out with cute girls, trying to set me up with boys, and buying me drinks. i'm going to be playing ''spot the lesbian'' and having daydreams about some of the cute girls i left behind in kingston and places unknown. and keeping my fingers crossed that the cute jock lesbian who came out after high school makes an impromptu appearance so i get some eye candy and maybe try to make a move. (brave young angela, trying to mack the d-ladies at straight bars, how predictable!)

you should note that my mood is now fabulous. i wrote my last exam this afternoon and spent the afternoon hanging out with a couple of my gal pals at the goat. i am waiting for jen to call me so i can go meet her at work. we will then find some place warm and dry to have warm alcoholic beverages. the next week (after thursday) is shaping up to be a lot of fun. partying with adrienne and the toronto crew, going out to a bar with my little brother and his friends, dinner with fabulous gay uncle and his partner, seeing sabrina and dee, michelle, lots of free time to watch movies and read fun books, and of course my mom's fabulous cooking. yeah things are doing pretty good right now. YAY.

more substantial updates later this week, i'm sure.

it's easter sunday, today. i'm catholic but not religious. i feel like i'm catholic because i'm italian, not because i believe in god or anything. i find it fascinating actually. religion (in general). but i don't feel connected to it. it feels like this thing that other people DO.

i used to like church, f'real. when i was 10 and 11, i went by myself every sunday. i'd sit by myself near the back, or i'd sit with my teacher and her family near the front if she saw me and motioned me over. my mom would drop me off and in the summer i would ride my bike there and lock it to a tree. i'd wear my only pair of black pants and a button down shirt or sweater. my church wasn't a real church, we held mass in the gymnasium of my elementary school. when i was in grade 7 i helped move the alter from the storage space every friday instead of going to last period.

i always wanted to beleive, i think. but i just don't. i just can't. and the institution of the church makes me angry. but my priest (father wayne) was cool. he brushed his hair over his bald spot and he was very kind and always smiled at me even when i asked all the questions of a budding atheist child. so yeah, i don't really believe. or maybe i believe in something different, something a little less tangible but still important? i don't know. i have trouble explaining stuff like this, probably because i'm not even sure what it is i'm trying to explain.

i just realized that my grandfather died 6 months and 10 days ago. i should have called my nonna on the 6 month anniversary but i didn't. bad grand daughter. i was serious about going to light a candle for him, but churches kind of make me feel bad and weird. i really want to be able to go with someone who could understand. like, i think my brother would understand... he would laugh when i made the suggestion but he would get it. and he would feel weird in there too, but then my little brother would drive us to dairy queen and i'd have a skor blizzard and throw away over half of it.

i'm wracking my brain trying to think of someone who would GET IT and who i would feel comfortable doing that with. someone who would laugh with me afterwards without being inappropriate. and someone who would pretend they didn't see me cry but give me a hug anyways. funny, how the only people i can think of are all boys and none of them live here. surprising because i only know a handful of boys in other places. i want my brother to be here right now, gay jokes and all.

i was in the study room today and i noticed this cute short-haired chick in the bathroom, mostly because i thought i was alone until she came out of the stall. i didn't go back to the study room right away though, and when i got back to the room she had chosen a desk right near mine, but behind me. and i noticed her looking at me a couple of times, like i would look and she would turn away. but i'm ballsy and would just stare at her for a minute or two before looking away.

i was dressed in what i now call my 12 year old boy outfit. baggy olive carpenter pants i stole from a real-life boy, my boy's large t-shirt and my yellow hooded sweatshirt. and my flat (yet shaggy) hair was looking very boyish. and i know she was checking me out because i'm queer. i mean, what i was wearing today doesn't really matter. because as i was told by iman, her housemate said that i am "famous in the gay and lesbian community"... HAH! (my mother would be proud... NO).

so, short-haired chick was wearing a white button up shirt and i just thought: oh my, totally dykealicious. and cute. so i draw queer people to me like i'm a big gay fridge and they're small homosexual magnets. yes, i said little homosexual magnets. i meet people before they come out, i meet people and introduce them around and sometimes i even go on a few dates with them (some of my best stories are drawn from these experiences). but mostly. yes, they're little friendly tourists and i'm the tour guide.

i get emails from queers saying "i don't know any other gay people" and i meet people who say "i just want to check out wally's" and people i meet say "so, how did you KNOW?" these people are drawn to me and i can't turn them away because i can't remember what it feels like to not know another queer. but i can remember how scared i was the first time i went to a queer bar and i remember asking my gay friends "so, uhh... when did you know?"

but sometimes i get sick of being everyone's first token queer friend. i don't think they all used me like a token, but i think a couple of them did. but then again, some of my best friends have been these random "how did you know?"-girls and "i'm just here because the music is good"-boys. and i wouldn't trade them for anything.

oh, and aside from the great friends... it's really nice to have a random make out session with a curious girl... i know she doesn't want to go pack up her u-haul and move in (uh, like "le freak #1"). she just wants to fool around and feel me up. and y'know what? that is perfectly okay with me.

so...

i finished exam #3 today at 5pm. i wrote for the entire 3 hours and filled four exam booklets. that's some kind of record for me because ussually i top out at 2 and a half. i guess i was just more chatty than usual. hah. i felt like i should include a note at the end apologizing for talking so much.

i have plans tonight with my girls. it started out being just janie and i. than i told courtney. and it snowballed from there. nadia, her gf, sally, one of nad's friends, and my boy cameron. like i said, my girls. tonight is all about chilling at the pub and then heading out for a night of dancing.

my dad called me yesterday and we had a real grown-up conversation, as in: he didn't talk down to me. he was understanding. he has finally begun to respect some of my choices. we talked about what i wanted to do after i graduate (in one year!) and he has some people he wants me to meet. there is a chance i might be able to get a job at a government agency that works to promote art and "new media" and give grants for writers, art, film, and stuff like that. well, at least i'll meet the director and make a contact. there is also the possibility of meeting someone who is involved in political communication and government relations. damn, either of those options would rock.

i am still interested in pursuing graduate school eventually, but that could be on a part time basis in the future or a full time basis after a few years in the real world. i don't want to work for a university or write about politics, i want to learn about it so i can DO IT (for lack of a better term) and i think actually spending some time in the real world to determine what actually happens when people "do politics" would be helpful. i've already worked at that lobbying company, i've worked for government advertisers (the infamous ad agency i sold my soul to for three years) and i've been involved in "political activism"... so, working for a government agency (especially one that deals in ART and MEDIA and GIVING AWAY MONEY) would be so perfect.

it seems so surreal that i might finally be taking the first real and more permanent step outside of the school mentality. i took that time off between high school and university but that was with the knowledge i'd be at queen's sooner rather than later. and when i take the step a year from now i may end up going back, but in reality, if i get some good experience and can get jobs and am really enjoying myself, i might not go back to school full time ever again. and if i do, it will be a totally different experience than this time around anyways.

i'm only a little scared. mostly i'm damned excited at stepping out of the security bubble. i'm excited that in a year i will be no longer be a student. for the first time in forever, i won't have that label to provide me with comfort or security. part of can't wait for this to begin. i am one of those people who used to think it would be cool to be a student forever, and while i want to keep learning forever and i will likely take more classes at a later date i don't want to be "a student" forever. you get the difference? i didn't really get the difference until just recently.

i'm not living in the future by any means, this just all came up yesterday while i was talking to my dad and i wanted to get it all out onto my computer screen.

p.s. in 6 days i'll officially be done my third year of university! boo yah.

i keep getting kicked out the classrooms i choose to study in by people who claim to have the room reserved, but the last person to kick me out was rather... uh, sketchy about it.

i have three exams to go, but the first one was a huge weight off my shoulders. tomorrow i have a very tough exam to write for microeconomic theory II. yeah, even the name is intimidating and i'm currently failing the class (with like a 48%) but the exam is worth 50% of my final mark and i think i can pull it up to a 60%. at least, i hope so. although a 65% (recognized as a B) would be better.

my life gets pretty boring when it starts revolving around school, as it is now.

this saturday a bunch of my d'dykely friend are meeting me at my favourite pub. the worst of my exams will be over by then. and then wednesday morning i will write my last exam of the term and go shopping for books for the spring term. then i'll pack my suitcase for a trip home, hang out with jen that night and partake in pina coladas. the next day i work 9 hours at the copy shop and then i'll head straight to the bus or train station to get my ass back to the GTA. i will dye my hair on friday and i'll be ready to party on saturday.

i am going out with my brother! to a straight bar! how exciting. i will get to see my little brother drunk and flirting with girls. i will possibly run into people from high school. i will dance with my brother's friends and i'll look stunning doing it.

the rest of the week will be dedicated to seeing my tdot friends, hitting up the dyke bars, spending time with my mom, sitting on our deck that overlooks the "lake", getting re-aquainted with my in-line skates, and reading a lot of books for FUN. i have stuff to go through by jeanette winterson, dionne brand, jamaica kincaid, rohinton mistry, and some short story anthologies. i can't wait for my week of pure relaxation.

i got much love for the world right now, even if differential equations, utility levels, production functions, and my micro textbook are in my near future.

today i remembered why i love school, in the midst of finals and all the stress. something clicked and then magically i was able to apply some knowledge i learnt last term, and here i am paying too much for my degree. but i still feel good about it. maybe it's a little counter intuitive for a bunch of supposedly intelligent people to pay money for a piece of paper that will tell other people i'm intelligent when that much should be obvious, but i do it anyways. and in the end i feel good about it all.

i'm really looking forward to my summer classes, to taking my first literature course since high school and taking a finance course at the same time. the next few days are going to be stressful, but come saturday afternoon i can take a deep breath, drink some beer with some friends, and then start studying environmental economics on sunday morning.

i'm thinking of going to the catholic church to light a candle for my nonno on saturday after my exam. i don't know why, but i feel like if i'm in a church i can talk to him in a way i can't talk to him here. i might even say a prayer or two, not for myself but for him. sometimes i'm sure i don't believe in this stuff, but since he's died it's all been up in the air. and i'm just not sure anymore...

the weakerthans do it for me everytime:

I'm standing on this corner.
Can't get their attention.
Facing rush hour faces turned around.
I clutch my stack of paper, press one to a chest,
then watch it swoop and stutter to the ground.
I'm weary with right-angles, abbreviated daylight,
and waiting for a winter to be done.

Why do I still see you in every mirrored window,
in all that I could never overcome?
How I don't know what I should do with my hands when I talk to you.
How you don't know where you should look, so you look at my hands.

exams will be over in less than two weeks. school will be over and i'll get a fresh start. and maybe some perspective on the state of the world and the state of my relationship with myself. i'll start re-learning italian. i'll start looking into the foreign services exam and taking a langauge class in toronto in august. i'll buy a new pair of shoes. i'll stop thinking in finite blocks of time. i'll get some solitude. i will go out to that bar with my brother. i will write a short story about it.

thoughts on the war

so, the "war with iraq" appears to be over. really, i think that title is misleading. even "war on iraq" isn't accurate.

it was an invasion of another soveriegn nation. the american soldiers within the borders constitute an occupying force.

there is looting on the streets but american forces are not prepared to act as police, too bad they've rendered all civilian police basically useless. the initial looting was of state warehouses, but now people's homes and family businesses are being looted. it is the responsibility of any occupying force to maintain law and order (although i do shudder at the idea of american soldiers acting as police men... and did someone say ILLEGAL WAR... cough). story

when the americans cannot make people stop quickly enough at checkpoints they simply open fire. yesterday 9 people were killed in a van, 2 of them children. story

the usa opening fire on civilivians on WEDNESDAY (hey, i thought the war was over)

good god. and sharon says he wants palestine to heed Iraq example?

more thoughts on the "war" when i'm more coherent. this is degenerating into me just posting links instead of my thoughts anyways.

i'm in brampton. i have a sore throat. i bought a new watch. i went out for coffee with sabrina. i have been doing a lot of work but it doesn't really seem like enough. no arguments with the parents although my dad has been grumpy. my mom hates the war and she hates CNN. my mom was a disco queen in her day, she totally could have been a hippie. the SARS outbreak in toronto is kind of freaking me out and my cough is making me paranoid that i might have it, but that is pretty damned unlikely.

my brother wants to go out clubbing with me. i find this hilarious. i'm excited to do this, but it will have to wait until my next visit as i have too much work to do this time around. my brother was anti-clubbing until he turned 19. and now he's like an addict and goes at least once a week. i'll be looking forward to the next time i come home (just a little over two weeks from now).

you folks should really check out the links to the right. there is good music, good reading, and good ideas. not to mention good people

in other news, last night i went to the staff social. i ended up talking with my immeadiate supervisor for a great portion of the night. first, when we were both relatively sober about advertising companies and the like, since he's looking for a job. i told him i might have an in. later on in the night we started talking about the whole queer thing. being the only out lady, but apparently not quite out enough that people just naturally pick up on it, was a weird experience. i'd drop all kinds of hints and people would just keep on smiling and then give me bewildered looks when i told them i was going to wally's. i think i made him feel uncomfortable by the end, which did not start out being my intention. but by the end someone else was calling him a racist, so i went with the bigot. my manager is really neither of those two things, but we were all drunk and it seemed funny at the time. i actually feel kind of bad for him now, because he really is a sweet guy. ooops.

i have to go into work soon, maybe he'll be there and i can apologize a little. he seemed really unhappy by the end of it all. poor white straight men, how dare i make them feel uncomfortable? actually on second thought i think every white straight man should feel uncomfortable at least once in his life. makes them realize how damned uncomfortable it can be for those who feel uncomfortable a greater portion of our lives. no? yes.

classes are done for another year and i'm left with a pile of readings i never bothered to do. although the pile is slightly smaller than it has been in the past, which i find amusing because this year has been a difficult year for a lot of reasons.

last night i went out to "the bar" and danced it up. i was really tired so i only stayed for a few hours, but it was nice just the same. prior to pre-partying and dancing i stopped by courtney's house and we visited the liquor store. later we hit up dare's and ordered pizza in order to distract her for a few hours from her social theory paper. all in all a good night. i got to spend time with a majority of my friends and i even made a couple new ones (nudge-nudge). very cool.

alas, now my printer is out of ink and i need to print up some stuff. instead of buying new ink (i'll talk my mom into buying it for me) i'm going to shower and get myself to work where there are many printers all at my disposable.

if your country was being attacked and you felt it was unjust, wouldn't you do what it took to defend yourself?
human bombing kills three soldiers
US soldiers face fierce street battles

i commend them for their bravery, and i abhor the attitude of american citizens who are all about "supporting our troops" and tying yellow ribbons around their car antennas every time a soldier dies. why? because he (sometimes she) is american. when americans die on the street due to hunger or street violence at home, americans just want their bodies cleaned up as soon as possible lest they decrease the value of their homes. the moral of the story? if you're a government sponsored murderer, you get our grief. otherwise, you're shit out of luck.

for those of you who don't know aljazeera (in english) is a good source for news on iraq. much better than CNN and the BBC.